“Just curious, but if you don’t want to,” I shrugged, “no skin off my back.”
“It’s fine. I’d like to share with you, if you’ll do the same.”
“So who’s the last guy you dated?”
“Brandon Howell III.” She laughed. “His father was from Texas and in oil. And he loved steak. Like, really loved steak. Every date we had was in a fancy steakhouse.”
“Nice.” I smiled weakly, not wanting to hear about Brandon Howell the Third, jerkoff of steakhouses.
“He was tall, about six feet, with a really nice body. He went to the gym a lot. He had blond hair and blue eyes. His mom was from Sweden.” She babbled on and I already regretted getting into this conversation. I really didn’t want to hear about her perfect ex. “He just graduated from UT Austin, and he is starting the MBA program at Penn in the fall. He’s not that smart, though, so I’m not really sure how he got in, but I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that his father donated a few million to ensure he was accepted.”
“Nice.” I knew I sounded irritated, but I couldn’t help it. The more she spoke, the more I realized that this could go nowhere. I couldn’t take her anywhere fancy, I’d never be able to buy myself into a grad program. Shit, my brother wouldn’t even be able to go to community college next semester if I didn’t come up with a plan to make some money.
“Sorry.” She looked at me, worried. “I know that was too much information. Basically we dated for about two months and then I found out he had a co**ine problem and I dumped him.”
“I see. Did you sleep with him?”
“We messed around.” She looked down. “Though we never had intercourse.”
“Do you still talk to him?”
“Not really, but he does call me every now and then to hang out.”
“Okay.” My voice was short and I turned away from her to look at the sunflowers. The warmth of the sun on my face soothed me a little bit as we stood there in silence, and I was thankful Maddie didn’t try and ask me what was wrong. I was overwhelmed with unfamiliar emotions, and I was already worried enough as it was. I really didn’t need this additional stress. But somehow standing here calmed me. I felt like my mom was looking down from heaven, telling me to just relax and take it one day at a time, like she used to when I was a kid. I turned to Maddie and smiled. “When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me that I looked like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. And that one day, if I wasn’t careful, the load was going to be too much to bear and I would collapse. She always said if it starts feeling like it’s too much, just look around you, Logan. Just stop and go somewhere and look around you. And then, for a moment, everything will seem manageable.”
“Is that why you like going to fields?”
“And to the pier.” I nodded. “I love the ocean, it reminds me of myself.”
“Oh?”
“The ocean is deceptive. Some days it looks calm and peaceful, and other days it looks dark and murky. Yet you never really know what’s going on underneath. What are the currents like, the undertow, the waves? I feel like I’m the ocean to a lot of people, they don’t really see me. They see what they want to see.”
“What do most people see?”
“People see me as dangerous and stay away, and I don’t mind that. Sometimes, there are people who see me as dangerous but like the thrill of danger.”
“You mean girls?”
“Yeah.” I nodded, thinking of all the girls I had dated who liked me just because of who they thought I was. How I hadn’t cared how they saw me, they were disposable and weak and stupid.
“But what about those who see you the other way …”
“There aren’t any people who see me that other way.” I laughed harshly. “Aside from my brothers.”
“I see you the other way.”
My heart stilled at her words. The words I knew to be true. Maddie saw me as someone other than the town’s bad boy. But I didn’t feel as overjoyed as I had earlier. There was nothing I could give Maddie.
“All I will do is bring heartache and trouble to your life, Maddie.”
“I can deal with trouble.”
“You don’t need to be involved in trouble.”
“You don’t know everything about me, Logan.”
“And you don’t know everything about me. This will never work between us.”
“I thought we were just friends.”
“We are just friends.” I sighed. “But that’s all we can be.”
“Even though we both like each other?”
“Like is a fickle emotion, it will fade.”
“Can you tell me why you just won’t give me a chance?”
“I’m not good for your life, Maddie. Nothing good can come of this.”
“Can’t I decide that?”
“If it was just you and me,” I sighed. “But we have a history. There’s a history that none of us can shake, I’m sorry.”
“Do you trust me, Logan?”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in my answer. I trusted Maddie as much as I trusted my brothers.
“I trust you as well. I’m not going to ask you again about what my dad did and why you hate him. I think you’ll tell me when you’re good and ready. And that’s fine. But I’m not cool with the hot and cold game. You can’t tell me you like me in one instant and then tell me that you’re no good for me and we’re never going to work out. Do you hear me? That’s not going to fly.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Maddie.”
“Let’s give it a fair shot, can you do that?”
“I don’t understand why you care so much.”
“If you don’t have any interest in me and you don’t want to see me, then fine. I’ll move on. You’re not the only guy in the world. I’m sure there will be someone else I don’t have to beg to date me ...”
“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” I cut her off, not wanting to think of her with another man. “Aren’t I a bit old for you?”
“You’re twenty-five, not thirty-five.”
“I’m a twenty-five-year-old loser, and you’re a twenty-year-old with the world at your feet. You can do anything you want, Maddie. You can be anyone you want. Go explore the world. Go save orphans. Go and become a feminist for women’s rights. You don’t get stuck with someone like me, I’ve seen what it does to someone.”
“Are you talking about your mom?” she asked softly and I nodded. “Can we sit down?” She grinned. “My legs are a little tired.”
I turned around and crouched down. “Get on my back.”
“Wait, what?”
“Get on my back, I’m going to give you a piggyback.”
“No way, Logan. I’m too fat for you to carry me.”
“You’re not fat.”
“Well, I’m not a little kid.”
“Shut up and get on,” I commanded her. “I’m going to take us to a clearing so we can sit or lie down.”
“I can walk there.”
“No, you’re tired. Get on my back and don’t say another word.” I felt her arms slide around my neck as she gingerly got onto my back. I stood up and she wrapped her legs around my chest.
“Are you sure, Logan? You can put me down if I’m too heavy.”
“You’re not heavy at all, you silly girl.” I started walking and continued back with our conversation. “And yes, I was talking about my mom. She had her whole life ahead of her before she got caught up with my dad.” I sighed. “She wasn’t rich like you or anything, but she was smart and beautiful and she could have done anything she wanted.”
“I know.” Maddie’s voice was soft and I stopped walking for a moment.
“What do you mean? You know?”
“My mom told me that your mom was the most beautiful girl in school. And that she had the longest blonde hair she’d ever seen in her life.”
“Your mom knew her?”
“Yeah, they were friends.” Maddie’s voice was hesitant. “Best friends, I think.”
“I didn’t know that.” I frowned at Maddie’s words. How could I have not known that?
“My dad was in love with your mom for years,” Maddie continued. “I don’t know if you knew that. He was heartbroken when she dumped him.”
“What?” I almost dropped her as the words ripped out of my body. “What do you mean, she dumped him?” I was frozen inside. How could my mom have dumped him? They had never dated before.
“Your mom and my dad dated for a few months before she dumped him for your dad.” Maddie sounded surprised. “I thought that was why you may have been annoyed with my dad.”
“That’s not why.” I continued walking until we came to the clearing and Maddie slid off my back. She had a slightly worried expression on her face.
“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this. I thought you knew.”
“I had no idea. Tell me more.” My eyes focused on her face intently. “Please.”
“Well, there’s not much to tell. Our parents were best friends. My mom loved my dad, but my dad loved your mom. Your mom loved your dad. When she dumped my dad, my mom and dad started dating, but my mom was so jealous she stopped talking to your mom. And basically that was the end of the friendship. My mom says she has always regretted the friendship ending like that, but she never really knew what to say. When your mom died, she cried for a few weeks straight, and she told me everything.”
“I never knew.” I shook my head. Had my dad known that mom had been dating the mayor before he had stolen her away from him? And why had Mom never said anything? She knew about the trips to Manor Road, yet all she had ever said was that people paid for their sins.
“That’s when I started looking for photos of you and stuff,” she paused. “She wanted to see what you guys looked like. They had always talked about when they got married and had kids, but they never got to share it together. My mom felt responsible for trying to make your mom see reason about your dad.”
“See reason about my dad?” I frowned.
“Well, you know. Being a criminal and all that.”
“My dad was a good man.” My voice rose. “My dad wasn’t born a criminal. He was going to go to college. He was going to be someone. My mom didn’t make the wrong choice. Your…” I was shouting and Maddie placed her hand on my arm.
“Please, Logan.” She bit her lip. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry. I don’t know your dad. I’m just saying that my mom regrets what happened with your mom when they were in high school.”
“My dad loved my mom.”
“I’d like to meet your dad.”
“That’s not a good idea.” I shook my head vehemently.
“I’d like you to meet my dad as well.”
“Another bad idea.”
“I think he’d like you.”
“I’m sure he would love to hear that you’re dating Logan Martelli.”
“So we’re dating?” Her eyes blazed into mine and I nodded.
“If you’re willing to give it a go.”
“I’m willing.” She laughed and grabbed ahold of me. “I’ve been willing since the first night I met you.” She grabbed my face and pulled me towards her, however, she surprised me by falling to her knees instead of kissing me. I looked down and watched her unbuckle my jeans and pull my zipper down.
“What are you doing?” I asked stupidly.
“I want to show you how happy I am.” She winked up at me and I only hesitated slightly before pushing her back into the grass. “Ow.”
“Shh.” I sat down next to her and reached over to her. “Today is not about sex.”
“We don’t have to have sex.” She pouted.
“I don’t want this moment to be about sex.” I shook my head as her hand worked its way into my pants. “But you’re making this very hard on me.”
“Is that a pun?” She laughed as her fingers circled my hardness.
“I want you to know that I …”
“Or is this about you liking to be in control?” She removed her hand and I resisted the urge to grab it and stick it back in my pants.
“Who says I like to be in control?”
“Well, that first night you wanted to be in command, and then when you spanked me, and now.”
“And now?” I raised an eyebrow at her as I reached over to cup her right breast. “Do you think I’m saying no because I like to be in control?”
“Yes.” She nodded as she squirmed on the ground beneath my fingers. “I think you prefer a more passive girl.”
“Really?” I laughed aloud. How little she knew. I was delighted that she was confident and aggressive. I felt like she was a real match for my more dominant side. I knew I was dominant, but I also wanted a girl to give as good as she got from me.
“Are you attracted to me, Logan?”
“Oh my God, is this a joke?” I groaned. “We are not going to have this conversation already, are we?”
“You’ve had this conversation a lot?” She looked hurt, and a part of me was happy to see her jealousy. I felt a twinge of guilt at my happiness but ignored it.