The moment I said it, I regretted it. The look on his face just about killed me.
“Okay. So, that’s what I’m always going to be to you, isn’t it?”
I just couldn’t stop. I needed to push him away before he hurt me anymore.
“I guess so…at least according to your text message. So, tell me, Josh. What was it you were trying to do? Forget about me by sleeping with Lynda?”
The look he gave me caused me to gasp.
“Oh. My. God. That’s it, isn’t it? You were going to sleep with her just to...”
I couldn’t even finish my sentence. He was going to sleep with Lynda to forget about me.
“No…I mean, yes…no, wait. I might have sent her that text, but I wouldn’t have done it. Princess, I haven’t been with anyone in months. I love you. I only want to be with you.”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. No…he doesn’t love me. I can’t breathe.
I took a few steps away from him. I leaned over, placing my hands on my knees. I needed my parents. Oh my god. Why did they leave me all alone?
“Heather…baby, are you okay?”
Josh started to reach for me, and I jumped back.
“No, you couldn’t possibly love me. Why would you even think about sleeping with someone else to forget about someone you loved? That doesn’t even make any sense!” I started to laugh.
Josh stared at me with a strange look.
“Heather, can we please just go back to Jeff and Ari’s place? Just to talk about this, please. I don’t want to lose you.”
I looked up into his eyes, and my heart broke in two. I was about to do the only thing I knew to keep my heart from being broken anymore.
“You can’t lose something you never had.”
Josh took a step back away from me. He started to shake his head.
“Don’t do this again, Heather. Don’t push me away. If you push me away this time, I swear to God… I’m done with all of this.”
My heart starting beating so fast, and my legs felt like they were about to give out on me.
“I believe your date for the night is waiting for you.”
Josh grabbed the side of the barn, like he was trying to hold himself up. I instantly wanted to run into his arms and beg him to take me back to Jeff and Ari’s house. I started to take a step toward him when he looked at me. His eyes were different. The look from earlier was replaced with anger. I stopped dead in my tracks.
“I’m sorry that I made you feel that way, princ, um Heather. I guess we’re clear on where we stand with each other so….”
I just stood there and stared at him. Am I really going to just let him walk away from me?
“Yeah, I guess we’re clear. Excuse me, I’d like to find out how Ari is doing and what happened with Jeff and Rebecca today,” I said.
I started to walk past him. When he took me by the arm, I stopped and looked up into his beautiful green eyes. I’d give anything to see him smile, giving me that dimple he had on his right cheek.
“No matter if you believe me or not, I’ll always love you,” he whispered.
I sucked in a breath of air. I couldn’t move.
Josh leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.
“Please come back to Jeff and Ari’s tonight. I promise that I won’t bother you.”
With that, he turned and headed back up to the house. The moment he left, I leaned back against the barn and started to cry. I cried so hard that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. What is wrong with me? Why did I just push away the only man, besides my father, that I’ve ever loved, ever needed?
I tried to calm myself down. I was sure Ellie would come looking for me if I didn’t come back right after Josh.
Sure enough, I heard her call out my name.
I looked up at her with tears streaming down my face.
“Oh my god, Heather! What did he do to you?”
I let out a laugh.
“He didn’t do anything I didn’t ask him to do.”
“Heather, this is insane. What the hell is going on between you two? Josh just walked up and grabbed Lynda. He told Gunner that they would meet us at the bar. I thought you two were working it out.”
It took me another minute or so to stop crying and start breathing normally again.
“Shit, Ellie, I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life, but I’m not sure. My heart is telling me one thing, and my head is telling me another.”
“Take some deep breaths and just start at the beginning,” Ellie said as she walked me over to two chairs.
I told Ellie all about how great Josh had been with Matt all day and then about what had happened between us before Garrett had shown up.
“By the way, y’all better keep your doors locked. Garrett just walked right into Jeff and Ari’s place without even knocking. I was naked for Christ’s sake!”
Ellie was laughing her ass off, which was just pissing me off even more. “What the hell is so funny?”
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know if I’m in shock from what happened between you and Josh or the fact that Garrett did the same damn thing to Jeff and Ari the other day!”
I told Ellie about Josh’s text message to Lynda and then Josh’s explanation about it.
How he kept trying to say he wouldn’t have done it. Then, how he told me he loved me and would always love me.
“Holy hell, Heather. Josh told you he loved you?”
I nodded my head as I felt another tear roll down my face.
“Heather, did you ever think that maybe Josh is telling you the truth? I mean, I’ve heard Jeff and Gunner talk about how they’ve never seen Josh go this long without hooking up with a girl. I’m not trying to say he was right, thinking about sleeping with Lynda to forget about you, but…he is a man. Their thinking is pretty fucked-up to say the least.”
I let out a small laugh. My heart was screaming for me to go to Josh and beg him to be with me, but my head was telling me something all together different.
“Ells, do you honestly believe that a guy like Josh is really interested in a girl like me?”
“What the hell does that mean, Heather? A girl like you? You’re beautiful, funny, and smart as hell. Yes! I do believe a guy like Josh would be lucky as hell to have a girl like you.”
“My heart wants him so badly, but my head tells me that he’ll never be true to me. He’ll never be happy with just me.”
“I don’t believe that for one minute. Just because he was a player in college doesn’t mean that he can’t find a girl to love and be with just her. Deep down inside, Josh is a sweetheart. Did you know that he’s a Big Brother? He meets with his little brother at least once a week and pays for all of his sports at school because his single mom can’t afford it. He’s also helped build three Habitat for Humanity houses, and he’s helped his dad make all the pews for their church. He told Gunner and me that his dream is to make custom furniture and take over his dad’s business someday. He has as straight head on his shoulders, Heather. He just needs to find that right girl to round it all out.”
I sat there in a state of shock. I didn’t know any of that. Josh had never once mentioned any of those things. My heart was hurting even more.
“I just wish my mother and father were here. They would tell me what to do.”
Ellie looked at me, and then stood up and grabbed my hand pulling me into a hug.
“Oh god, Heather. I know how much you miss your parents, baby, but I promise you that they would’ve told you this has to be your decision. Only you know your heart, Heather. I know how much you depended on your dad and how much of a rock he was for you. But, baby, you need to know that you can do this on your own. You can’t be afraid to let someone else into your heart because you’re afraid of losing them.”
I pulled back and smiled at my best friend. Then, I thought about Ari.
“How’s Ari?”
“Come on, we’ll talk on the way to the bar…or as Gunner keeps calling it, the honky-tonk.”
Hooking our arms together, we started back toward the house.
Gunner was leaning up against his truck, talking on his cell phone. He didn’t look very happy.
This whole damn day just sucked.
As we got closer, Gunner hung up and looked at Ellie.
“What’s wrong?” Ellie asked Gunner.
He pushed his hands through his hair.
“That was Jeff. He just needed to talk to someone. I guess Ari’s been crying nonstop, and Jeff is doing nothing but blaming himself. I’d really like to go into Austin and give Rebecca a goddamn kick in the ass.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t go out. I mean, with Ari in the hospital and Jeff so upset…Gunner, maybe we should go back to the hospital.”
“I asked him if he wanted us to and he said no. He and Ari really need to be alone. Come on, let’s get going. I’ve got two beautiful women I need to take dancing tonight.”
Gunner held open the doors for Ellie and me to get into his truck. Leaning in, and helped Ellie buckle her seat belt, and then kissed her and told her he loved her.
My heart swelled at the love these two had for each other.
Will I ever find that kind of love?
A part of me knew I already found it…
And then let it go.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
GUNNER
On the way into town, Ellie filled Heather in on everything that had happened with Ari and Jeff. I still couldn’t believe how crazy Rebecca was. Thank God Jeff found out now before he got attached to the baby.
“I knew she was lying. I knew it! What the hell? Did she really think that Jeff wouldn’t ask for a paternity test?” Heather asked.
“I know, Heather. Believe me, I’ve been thinking about it ever since Jeff told me. A part of me wants to just drive to Austin and beat the shit out of her.”
I had to let out a laugh. I could picture Ellie walking right into the hospital room and knocking the shit out of Rebecca.
“So, let me see if I got this straight. Rebecca slept with Jason, while he was still dating Ari. Rebecca got pregnant, but she slept with Jeff one night when they ran into each other at Rebels. Then, Crysti overheard someone talking about the wedding, but she thought Jeff and Ari getting married.”
“Yep, she called Rebecca, and Rebecca panicked. Her last-ditch attempt to get Jeff back was to tell him the baby was his. I guess she told Jeff that she had thought she would just be able to have the baby and then call him afterward. Her little act of fake contractions today though did her in. She practically tried to have him removed from the hospital.”
“Wow…what a nutcase. I feel so sorry for that baby.”
By the time we got into town, heading into the bar, Heather had filled Ellie in on what happened with Josh. My head was spinning from how fast the two of them had talked. Snippets of what they had talked about were replaying in my head.
“Oh no, he didn’t text her that!”
“Oh my god! He told you that?”
I need a fucking beer. I just wanted to forget this day ever happened. My heart was aching for Jeff and Ari. I wanted to kick Josh’s ass for what he did to Heather. I was worried about my father. Shit.