“Maybe it’s never seemed this dire before.”
“Is that why you’ve been drinking?”
“Yeah. As much as I know it don’t help, it dulled that panicked feeling.”
“How long have you been panicked?”
“Since the cattle sale last year barely covered our yearly operating expenses.”
She pressed her palm over his heart. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”
“Because it’s my job to worry about money, not yours.”
“There’s your problem. It’s not a you thing or a me thing, but an us thing. We’ve been down this keeping secrets road before and it didn’t go well for us, remember?”
He kissed her furrowed brow. “I don’t know how the hell I forgot.”
“So talk to me.”
“Dad is still expanding the ranch, which is good in theory, but in reality, it don’t make sense to buy land when it’ll sit unused because we can’t afford to buy extra cattle. Not only that, we don’t have the manpower to run more livestock. Cal and Charlie are good workers. Casper sucks most days. Dad ain’t as spry as he used to be. And I can’t work anymore than I already am.”
Some of what he was saying made sense; some didn’t. Carolyn decided right then she needed to be more involved with the ins and outs of the cattle business.
“To make matters worse, whenever I question him, he reminds me the name on the land deed was his and the decisions about the ranch are still his. I’ve been thinking if I’m ready to pop my old man in the mouth every day, if maybe it’s time to go.”
“Go?”
Carson tucked her hair behind her ear. “Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like just to pack up and go somewhere else. Be someone else.”
How long had her man been wrestling with this? It tied her up in knots that he had kept it all inside. “I like who you are, Carson McKay. I really like that you’re talking to me about this. But I have to ask why it’s the first time you’ve opened up to me in pretty much the last year?”
He kept stroking her lower back. “I know how happy you were when Cal and Kimi got married. Your sister is back in your life and she lives next door. And don’t take this the wrong way, sugar, but I suspect you and Kimi share everything and there’s some stuff between a husband and a wife that shouldn’t be shared. Especially if that sister is married to my brother. He don’t need to be findin’ out stuff about the ranch and finances secondhand from his wife—it should come from me. So I’ll admit I’ve kept the problem with the ranch stuff close to the vest.”
He didn’t say kept it from you, but he didn’t have to. “I’d never do that. Sure, Kimi and I gossip, but it’s about our family—and I haven’t shared those West stories with you. Sometimes we talk about people at church or in the community that annoy us. We talk a lot about babies and the boys. We swap household tips, recipes, and sewing and knitting patterns—things you’d tune out fifteen seconds into the conversation.”
He smiled.
Carolyn put her hands on Carson’s cheeks. “My loyalty is to you. From the minute we married, now, and in the future.”
Silence stretched between them. Then in that gruff voice she adored, he said, “Sweet God in heaven, what did I ever do to deserve you?” He gifted her with a kiss so full of love her tears arose.
“Sugar, don’t cry.”
“Get used to it. You know how much I bawl when I’m pregnant and hormonal.”
“Never again. I’ll never give you cause to doubt me again. I promise.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
“I know. But I’m done. It’s past time I step up to the responsibilities of bein’ a father that our sons can be proud of. Be the kind of son my dad takes pride in. My priority is to make sure you’re happy above all else.”
When the image wavered, Carolyn screamed no.
The next part was the good part. Where Carson lived up to his promises and then some. Where their marriage became stronger than ever. Where they added to their family, a baby boy they’d named Colton who was the spitting image of his father.
And like before, when she boomeranged back to the dark place, she questioned whether she’d ever really left it and if her mind was just playing cruel tricks on her.
Chapter Twenty-One
Hospital, Day 3—afternoon
So Carson was thinking about sex.
Nothing new there.
But he wasn’t fantasizing about the hot and sweaty pulse pounding moment when bodies connected, but the importance of touch. How even in their most intimate moments, he had to have his hands on Carolyn. Feeling her skin and reveling in her reaction to how he touched her.
So although he caressed her arm every second of those five minutes every hour, it wasn’t the connection he needed from her.
Reciprocation.
During his last hourly visit he’d barely spoken to her. He’d held her hand, willing her to squeeze it. He’d stroked her cheek, silently and stupidly begging her to turn toward his touch. He couldn’t lower his protective face shield to nuzzle her temple, hoping for just a hint of the scent of her skin or her makeup or her shampoo. A shower-cap looking apparatus covered her head from her eyebrows to the nape of her neck. It was a wound care protection that kept the wound draining and the area around it sterile.
Today her stillness bothered him. It reminded him of the days following his father’s first heart attack. The doctors had kept Jed sedated and on oxygen. Back then diagnosis took much longer, so for those few days, he and his brothers had no idea whether their father would live or die.
As hard as that wait-and-see time had dragged on for them, it’d had one positive outcome. When Jed McKay finally came to, he realized he wasn’t invincible. He understood changes had to be made to the existing structure of the McKay Ranch. So in the months that followed, Jed parceled out individual sections to all four of his sons. Carson ended up with the most land and cattle. Casper grumbled about it even when Jed explained the pro-rating system he’d been compiling over the years.
So the bottom line was Carson’s hard work hadn’t gone unnoticed and he’d finally been rewarded for it.
“Carson.”
He snapped to. His eyes flew open and he realized his daughter-in-law was right in his face. “Channing. Warn a guy, next time, will ya?”
“I said your name like four times.”