“You don’t have to worry about me,” Jeremy said. “I’m not a fag like you and Kyle. I don’t want anyone knowing about it either.”
Elroy laughed at that response. “Good.”
Jeremy made one more attempt to hold him, but Elroy grabbed his wrists and said, “It’s not going to happen, not now or ever again.”
Chapter Twenty-One
On the way back to Boston, Kyle returned to his normal pattern of talking too much. But this time Elroy didn’t mind, because Kyle seemed more focused on asking questions and he tended to answer himself without even consulting Elroy. Maybe all that silence had been building up through Christmas and he needed to get it all out in the car.
Kyle would sigh aloud and exhale, then would say, “How do you think my family handled having us both there this Christmas? Do you think it felt creepy?”
Before Elroy could reply, Kyle would answer aloud. “I think it was awkward for everyone. It’s clear they aren’t comfortable with gay people. At least it wasn’t a complete train wreck, though. Babe is just an idiot, the kids don’t really understand, and my mom seems to be struggling with me being gay to the point of not discussing it ever. I don’t think she said more than ten words to you the entire time we were there. I didn’t speak much to her. But I think Oscar seems to be accepting it better than anyone. He surprised me. And Jeremy seemed to be on his best behavior. He was so quiet I almost didn’t recognize him.”
When Elroy would open his mouth to speak, Kyle would continue on as if he were alone in the car. This didn’t bother Elroy. He nodded in agreement, he smiled a lot, and he sometimes he even tuned Kyle out. On one long empty thirty-mile stretch between Vermont and Boston, Elroy went into some kind of altered state and didn’t remember anything Kyle said at all. When he realized he had driven more than an hour and was almost back in Boston, he didn’t know how he’d arrived at that point. It felt as if he’d been driving in a hypnotic trance, listening to the soothing hum of Kyle’s familiar voice.
During the Christmas break, they took another road trip to Palm Beach. This time Elroy didn’t get naked in the car so truckers could watch him jack off. He’d learned his lesson the first time they’d driven to Florida. But there was that one incident where Kyle caught him having an under-stall jack session in a rest stop in South Carolina. Kyle found Elroy and the guy in the next stall on their knees, pants down to their ankles, playing with each other’s dicks under the wall that divided the stalls. Kyle had opened the door by accident and he’d found Elroy this way. Instead of scolding him the way he usually did, this time he glanced down at him, frowned, and shook his head in shame. And he didn’t speak to him at all until they crossed over the Florida state line.
Elroy suggested they stop and spend the night in St. Augustine. “We can sightsee and do a few touristy things,” he said. All that silence in the car was starting to freak him out. “I’ll buy you something expensive.”
Kyle flung his head sideways and said, “Or you can check out all the bathrooms in town. I’m sure there are plenty. And you know you can’t buy me. I’m not for sale, thank you. Save that line for the trash you meet under bathroom stalls.”
“That’s not fair,” Elroy said. It was one thing to punish him for something he’d actually done, but he wasn’t going to let Kyle punish him for something he hadn’t done yet. He’d only pulled his pants down in one bathroom. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m human and I have needs. Maybe if you’d let me fuck your brains out once in a while I wouldn’t have to lurk around in restrooms, seriously, man.”
“Ah well,” Kyle said. He adjusted his position and moved closer to the door. “Isn’t that a romantic thing to say? ‘Let me fuck your brains out.’ You know just how to get to a guy’s heart.”
At that point, Elroy hit the brakes and pulled to the side of the highway. He stopped the car and grabbed Kyle’s arm. He shouted this time. “There’s no way to win with you. I don’t know what else to do. You know I’d do anything for you. I’d buy you anything, take you anywhere. And all I ever get is rejection. Like I said, I’m human and I have needs, too. Why don’t you try blowing me the same way you’re always blowing that fucking recorder, or fipple flute, or whatever the hell it is?”
Kyle jerked his arm out of Elroy’s hand and said, “At first I thought there might be hope for you. I thought maybe I could change you. But just when I think I’ve made progress, you wind up doing something like you did in the restroom in South Carolina. I’m human, too. And I have emotional needs. How do you think I felt seeing that?”
“I said I was sorry,” Elroy said. “What more can I do? Do you want me to go to church?”
“Grow up,” Kyle said. “Stop acting like a spoiled child and take responsibility for something just once in your life. In case you haven’t noticed, this isn’t easy on me either. I have very strong feelings for you. That’s why we’ve never had sex. I’m terrified that if we do you’ll either wind up cheating on me, or you’ll never want to have sex again with me.” He stared down at his lap and spoke in a lower voice. “How’s that for honesty, asshole?”
Elroy felt a sting in his gut. Though he knew Kyle was right about him, he wasn’t sure he could change, and at the same time he wanted to change. He reached up and caressed Kyle’s face and said, “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. But you have to lighten up a little, too. I realize what happened to you with Jeremy when you were a teenager left scars. I get that. But we all go through bad things and we eventually get over them.” He leaned forward and grabbed Kyle’s hands. “In case you haven’t noticed, you’re the only one on Earth I would be this patient with. If you were any other guy I would have moved on months ago.”
Kyle looked into his eyes. “I’ve been curious about that. Why don’t you just move on? You don’t seem to have any morals, ethics, or scruples with anyone. Why don’t you just forget all about me and do whatever you want to do? I sometimes think you’d be a lot happier.”
Elroy rested back against the seat and laughed. He rubbed his eyes and said, “You’re the only one, Kyle. I know better than anyone I’m far from perfect. All those things you say about me are true. I went into that restroom in South Carolina with good intentions. I didn’t plan on doing what I did. It just happened and I couldn’t resist. But with you I’m a different person. I’m not like that immoral, unethical asshole you just described. I know I’m different with you, and I like the way it feels.”