Chapter 447: The painstakingly found sense of reality
She was nearly killed by loneliness.
But when she came to the crossroads of whether to free herself or to resolutely continue on, she finally chose to live on with firm resolution.
That was because when her mother closed her eyes forever, she had gently said to her.
“Mom will always stay by your side. Mom will watch Dawn grow up, as long as Dawn lives on happily and healthily, Mom will never disappear. Mom will always, always live in Dawn’s heart.”
Ah, if Dawn were to die,
Mom will disappear.
Therefore, she could not die!
She could not die!
She still could not die!
She wanted to defeat loneliness. She wanted to carry on living!
In order to battle loneliness, the four-and-a-half-year-old girl began talking to herself.
Began speaking to unspeaking trees, to silent rocks, to twittering birds, she would pour out the words in her heart. Her grievances, her pains, her sadness, her mother, her little bits of happiness, what she had done today, what she had done yesterday, what she had previously done, what she wanted to do in the future, what she would definitely do if she left the uninhabited island, what she…
She would confide everything she wanted to say. She would produce voices she wanted to produce.
She constantly confided to her silent audience which were destined to never respond.
But, but it did not matter. It truly did not matter. That was…sufficient.
As long as she could confide in something, even if it was her speaking to herself, even if there was no response, but as long as she could confide, she would not feel that lonely. She could obtain that tiny bit—something that she needed to obtain even if it was a tiny bit—of courage to live on.
Finally, the girl defeated loneliness. It was a close victory, a Pyrrhic victory. She had nearly lost.
That was because she was rescued. After three years, she was finally found by the family clan. She was rescued off the island and was returned to civilization. If it was another year, no, maybe a month, a week or even a day, she might very well have collapsed.
But very luckily, she was not defeated by loneliness.
Ha, ha…ha. So lucky…
Yes, she survived. Mom was still by her side. Mom had still not disappeared. Wasn’t this luck?
Even after she returned to the human world, she lost all her expressions and emotions. She was not even able to communicate with ordinary humans. Was that also considered lucky?
However, the intense battle with loneliness eventually left behind repercussions.
She was unable to communicate normally with ordinary people. She was not one who walled herself in or not speak. It was completely the opposite. When she was facing strangers, she could still chat. She could even continue on for days.
But she could not hear a sound.
She could not hear the response of the other person.
Or it could be said that she subconsciously treated the human she was facing as a tree, rock or bird!
It was an illness, a mental illness. It was an untreatable illness that only she could treat herself.
She eventually did not treat herself. She did not feel like there was a need to treat herself either because she was already accustomed to it. She was accustomed to not receiving any response to her words. She was accustomed to ice-cold silence.
Even though she could question and answer others, but to her, it was just a question and answer session with herself. Because on that island, she had spoke to herself countless times. Naturally, she had engaged in a question and answer session by herself.
She could not show any expression. She could not force a laugh.
She could not experience the emotions of normal people. Negative emotions like anger, sadness and hate had long been devoured by the void of loneliness. Positive emotions like happiness, excitement and agitation had long been forgotten by the massacring she undertook to obtain food.
As a male in disguise, she remained expressionless. Her lone personality was not welcomed by other boys. Her powerful strength also destined her to be ostracized and bullied. Her exquisite appearance attracted many suitors, but no one could tolerate her habit of speaking to herself and style where they were not in her eyes.
She did not have any friends in life. She remained alone.
But she was already accustomed to being alone. She was accustomed to having loneliness as a partner.
She could not change, nor was there any need for her to change.
Due to her habit of speaking to herself, when she faced the fake Celestial King (Speechless Li), she was still able to patiently answer his questions. She was in no hurry to kill him and she was very long-winded. She was completely different from the expressionless appearance that kept people away from her.
But in fact, she was not conversing with Speechless. She was only engaging in a question and answer session with herself. That was because Speechless’ questions and answers had long been formed in her mind. There was no need to hear his voice, nor did she need his response. She could complete that conversation by herself.
At the beginning, it was exactly the same when she faced Shi Xiaobai.
She treated Shi Xiaobai as an ice-cold rock. Although that confession had slightly surprised her, many possibilities were formed in her mind. She could easily complete the conversation by herself.
But she patiently conversed with Shi Xiaobai and answered his questions and also asked him questions. But all of them was just her speaking to herself.
However, when Shi Xiaobai said that sentence ‘This King even knows very clearly that there is a red mole under your right armpit’, her black-and-white world suddenly bloomed gorgeous colors. Finally!
She finally heard a ‘voice’!
Ah, she heard his voice.
She really, really wanted to continue listening to his voice.
Ah, what was going on with this unimaginable conversation?
Why, why was there no way I could predict what he was going to say next? But, but why was there this urge to know what he would say next?
For the first time ever since she was six, she no longer needed to speak to herself.
She eagerly asked him questions and was eager to know what his response was.
Curiosity? To resolve her puzzlement? To not leave behind any mysteries?
It was none of them.
They were all excuses!
It was because of her engrossment in the conversation with him. She could not extricate herself from his voice.
She only wished that the conversation would keep carrying on!
The youth did not disappoint her. He unraveled layer after layer of the mystery and exceeded her expectations again and again. His voice turned clearer and clearer, and became more and more…real!
She wanted to continue listening to his voice!
She did not want to kill him!
She did not want to kill him!
She really did not want to kill him!
He…he was the painstakingly found—sense of reality!