“What? Why’d you stop?” he asked breathlessly, pulling my head back towards him and resting his forehead on mine.
My brain and body were warring one another. My hands and hips and breasts wanted to pull him close again. But my brain knew it was wrong. I loved Bodo, and until I knew he was gone from this earth, I had to stay true to that. If he were out there somewhere waiting for me, then I knew he was being true to me.
“I can’t, Paci. I want to, in a way, but I can’t. It’s …”
“Bodo. I know. You don’t have to say it.” Paci stood up straight, licking his lips and running his hand over his braided hair. “Come on. I’ll stop torturing us both.” He turned around quickly, moving along the branch like he did it every day, practically running down the natural steps that led to the swamp floor.
I took my time getting down, not trusting myself to be as sure-footed as I normally was. I was trembling from the pent-up passion and conflicting feelings of guilt.
Paci held his hand out to help me down the last few steps and I took it, releasing it as soon as my foot touched the ground.
“I’m sorry I did that,” he said quietly, breaking the silence that made me want to run away from him as fast as I could. “I just needed you to know how I felt before you left … to see if maybe there was a chance you’d stay.”
“I can’t stay. I was hoping you’d understand that.” I forgot my plan to avoid the crunchy leaves and stepped wherever I needed to in order to get back as quickly as I could without running like a scared little girl.
“No. I do. I completely do. I don’t know why I’m staying, to be honest.”
“Because it’s your home, that’s why.”
“I’m wondering why that matters so much, though, when it’s run by people who’d send kids like you and those other guys out into a world full of cannibals.”
“They’re doing what they think is right. I happen to think they’re wrong, but I’m not in charge.”
Paci held his hand out, stopping my eager pace. “What would you do if you were?” he asked.
My feet slowed and I came to a halt, looking at his face. He seemed dead serious, even though it was a wasted question. “Why does it matter?”
“I’m just curious.”
I hadn’t thought of it before, even though Fohi’d said that stupid thing about me being a chiefesse. I had no intention of being the chief of any group. “I’m no leader.”
“Just say that you were. What would you do in this situation?”
“I’d let them stay, of course.”
“And what about the next hundred people that came by? What about them?”
I shook my head at him. “You’re not getting it. I’d let anyone come and stay. Anyone who didn’t mean us harm.”
“But how would you support them?”
I threw my hands up in frustration. “The same way you’re supporting people now! Hunt and grow food, grow crops to make clothing, build huts for them to live in. The place is big enough for thousands of people.”
“But what if you had a ton of kids show up, all at once, and didn’t have the crops or food or whatever?”
“I’d find a way, Paci. I’d plan ahead and assume they’d come. I know it might not be comfortable for a season or two, until crops grew or animals were born, or whatever … but this country was big enough for millions of people before. Surely it can manage a few thousand around here.”
“You make it sound so simple,” he said, shaking his head.
“It is simple. People need to be with people. There’s safety in numbers. Kids who are doing the right thing deserve to be here. Add it all up. You want to stay safe against a canner invasion? You’d better start inviting some friends in here. Your tribe is about to lose several members. You should be building your tribes, not whittling them away. It’s just plain stupid and ignorant, and I’m not going to hang around here and get slaughtered with the rest of you.”
“That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?” he asked, no censure in his voice. It was almost as if he were testing me with his questions.
“Harsh? Only if you consider reality harsh. I guess it is, these days. Read George’s journal, which has never been wrong, so far. There’s safety in numbers. Our enemy is growing. There are gangs of those animals in almost every town now. They’re going to band together at some point when they realize they can take down an entire community of easy meat like you guys and feed themselves for months.”
“That’s kind of disgusting when you put it that way.”
“Whatever. It sucks, but it’s our reality. And I’m not going to be a sitting duck.” I walked away, leaving him standing there. “I have to go, Paci. Goodnight.”
“Night,” he said.
I barely heard him as I intentionally put distance between us as fast as I could. I didn’t need to waste my time explaining myself to him; he either got it or he didn’t. But regardless, I was leaving and he was staying and I’d probably never seem him again after tomorrow. And maybe I wouldn’t even see him then.
I wiped my mouth off with the back of my hand, hating myself for kissing him back.
***
I got back to the hut and the guys were sitting on the mattresses, deep in conversation.
“What’s up, guys?” I asked, coming in and dropping down onto the floor, grabbing Buster into my lap to play with his ears. I needed some doggy therapy to cool my jets. I watched their faces, looking to see if they were judging me over what they might suspect I’d been up to, but all I saw was concern.
“We’re just talking logistics,” said Peter. “I’ve got backpacks for everyone, a pair of moccasins for each of the guys, so we’re all set there. And the food we brought that hasn’t been eaten is all in. I guess what we don’t have is our trailer and bikes. I’m worried about doing this whole thing on foot.”
“We’ll get our bikes and our trailer back,” I said.
“Do you think they’ll let us have them?” asked Peter.
I frowned at him. “Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not getting kicked out of this place. I’m leaving voluntarily. And I’m taking everything I brought, including my weapons. If they think they can stop me from doing that, they’ll soon learn they’re wrong.”
“I’m pretty sure they’re not going to give up the grenades,” he said wryly.
I stood. “I’m pretty sure they don’t have a choice.” I stalked off, intent on finding the location of the grenades and bringing them back.
“Bryn, wait!” yelled Peter, but I ignored him.
I went into the trees towards the clinic, not bothering to try and walk silently. I was too mad and didn’t have enough time to make the required effort. I needed to get some sleep before we left and darkness had fallen a long time ago. The grenades were out there somewhere, and I had to find someone willing to tell me where.
The clinic is as good a starting point as anywhere else. Maybe LaShay will be there. She seems to know everything around here for some reason.
When I got there, the place was empty. I sat down on a pallet to contemplate my next move, frustrated, trying to figure out how I was going to find anyone when I’d never been anywhere but the clinic, the eating hut, and the pool.
My worried thoughts stopped when I heard voices. My head was below the edge of the railing of the hut, which was covered in an elaborately-decorated rug, making me invisible to anyone outside. The first voice I identified was Winky’s.
“How can you say that, Coli? She’s done nothing but help us.”
“Please. All she’s done is get everyone all riled up, sent us into a situation that was none of our business, which ended up getting her own boyfriend killed, and then she comes back here telling us how we’re supposed to live, who’s going to live here, and who’s not? Who the hell does she think she is?”
“It’s not like that and you know it,” said Winky, sounded disgusted.
“Yeah. It is, Winky. And you’d better start remembering who’s in charge around here, too. Bad things can happen to people who don’t follow the rules.”
The voices stopped just outside the entrance of the hut. I was two steps away from being discovered, and they were definitely going to think I was eavesdropping, even though it hadn’t been intentional.
“Are you threatening me, Coli? Get your hand off my arm.” Winky sounded as if she didn’t believe what she was hearing.
“I’m telling you like it is, that’s all.”
“What makes you think I take orders or advice from you, anyway?”
“I say it and this says it,” she said in a menacing tone.
Winky sighed. “Coli, put that away. You’re always waving that thing around, and to be honest, we’re all getting pretty tired of it.”
“We? Who’s we?” Coli’s voice had taken on a paranoid tone. It made a shiver run up my spine, because it sounded like someone who’d lost her grip on reality.
“Everyone you’ve pulled that knife on in the last few weeks. It’s getting old. So either use it or put it away.”
“Don’t frigging tempt me, Winky.”
“I’m not tempting you, nutcase. I’m warning you.”
I heard some shuffling and then a scream. It was short and wild, followed by the sounds of two people wrestling.
I jumped to my feet, just in time to see Coli swing her knife in a wide arc and catch Winky in the shoulder with it. Crimson bloomed out across her sleeve.
“You friggin’ cut me, you lunatic!” yelled Winky, dancing out of the way, putting her hand up to her injured shoulder. Soon it was covered in blood, too.
Coli was crouched down, looking like a cat ready to pounce.
I knew for a fact she was going to make another strike, so I didn’t think about it - I just did it. With three bounding and relatively quiet steps over towards Coli, I jumped on her back, putting one arm around her neck, and with the other, grabbed her head and twisted it forcefully around. I jerked myself back as hard as I could, and we both went down, me on my back with her on top of me.
I gripped my legs around hers to keep her from thrashing and flipping us over, tightening my grip around her neck to choke off her air supply.
She reached up with her knife hand, so I was forced to release her neck with one hand to block it, luckily making contact with her wrist instead of the nasty blade that was covered in dark red stains.
She strained to bring the knife up close, just inches from my arm. My muscles trembled with the force it took to keep it from slicing me open to the bone. I was fairly certain she wouldn’t be stopping with any superficial wounds if she had a chance. I was going to be filleted like a fish, just as she’d offered to do to me before.
Winky recovered from her surprise, and ran over, kicking Coli’s hand hard to send the knife flying.
As soon as I knew I was safe from that threat, I focused the strength of both my arms into choking her. I used my free hand to cinch up the one still around her neck.
She struggled and scratched at the skin of my forearm, but within seconds, I felt her losing energy. I didn’t let go or let up even a millimeter. She was going to kill me if she had the chance, and I didn’t want my last night to go down that like. I just had to immobilize her and get away.
Her body stilled, but I waited five full seconds before letting go, just in case she was faking it. I released my arm tentatively, and when she didn’t jump up to attack again, I shoved her off me, taking Winky’s offered hand to stand. I frowned at her, mad this fight had been brought to my doorstep, but understanding it wasn’t her fault.
“What the hell was that all about?” I asked.