“As long you’re okay.” Something told me he wasn’t, especially when he grabbed the bottle and took another swig. That was the most Carter had ever spoken to me about his feelings. I was absolutely gobsmacked. A part of me wanted to push for more, but I remembered how much that had upset him before in the past. No, I’d let him decide for himself how much he wanted me in.
He moved on from that, and we talked about lighter things. It felt like we’d fallen back into our old selves, and the awkwardness from before faded into the background. The alcohol helped, immensely. Like, more than immensely. Gigantically is the better word.
Here, in the dark, close to each other’s bodies, we were the old Carter and Leah, laughing and poking fun. I thought I’d see him as a famous dude now, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. He had changed in appearance, and he was a little cockier than he’d ever been before, but he was still Carter.
My Carter.
The guy that made my heart beat faster and my skin run slick from nerves.
When he started talking about his tour and all the places he’d seen, I hung on to his every word. He’d become so worldly, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious of all the people he’d met, all the countries he’d visited, and all the different variety of food he’d eaten.
“You’ve always wanted to see the world, and I’ve just rubbed my travels in your face,” he then joked, staring at my dreamy expression.
“Someday I will.”
He looked thoughtful for a moment, before replying, “Maybe you should finish out the tour with me.”
I let out a laugh in disbelief. “Go with you? I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
Did he not realize how absurd that was? “Well, because I have a life here.”
“What can’t be put on hold that’s stopping you from joining us?” he asked, surprisingly serious.
“I’ve got a job –”
“I’ll pay you out.”
“I don’t want your money.”
“Then I’ll find a job you can do and you’ll get paid that way.”
I rolled my eyes, dismissing that. “I’m also applying for junior accounting positions at some firms.”
“Give me your resume and I’ll have people distribute it to the best firms.”
Dismissed that again. “Need I remind you, I also have a life here, Carter.”
“You could push your life back a year.”
“No, I can’t.”
He didn’t reply for a couple seconds, and then he said, “You know, Leah, you’ve just given me three reasons why you can’t come with me, and not one of them was your boyfriend.”
Fuck.
Busted.
“That too,” I quickly added.
With a hard voice, he asked, “You’re not really in a relationship, are you? I knew you were lying, but you can’t even be on top of your damn lie. That’s just sad.”
I sighed and turned away from him. Resting on my back, I looked up at the dark ceiling. “It wasn’t entirely a lie.”
“He’s real?”
“Yeah.”
“And why’d you guys break up?”
“Because he found a job very far from here.”
“Why did you break up?” he repeated, not buying my answer.
“Because I wanted him to focus on his job –”
“Why, Leah?”
I shot him an angry look. “That’s the truth –”
“Stop,” he cut in, harshly. “You think three years has changed the way you lie? I can read you like a fucking book, and you’re telling me bullshit right now. So what’s the truth then? Was he an asshole?”
“No.”
“Did he cheat on you?”
“No.”
“Was he boring?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I don’t know!”
He scoffed, settling himself on his elbows so he could look down at my face. “You don’t know?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t know. He was everything I should have wanted.”
“And?”
“And I still didn’t want him.”
He considered that for a moment, and then said quietly, “Maybe there’s a reason for that.”
I looked at him, dubiously. “What kind of reason?”
“Maybe you’ve been holding on to me.”
God he was so abrupt!
I ignored the way my insides warmed. “No, Carter –”
“You told me you loved me once.”
My body tensed, and my heart picked up. Was he seriously going there right now?
“Leah,” he pressed tightly, his eyes seeking the truth.
“I know I told you that,” I replied.
“I was your whole world.”
“You were, Carter.”
“And now?”
I exhaled slowly. “And now I’m a grown woman who doesn’t believe in fairy tales.”
That silenced him completely for several moments. I felt bad for saying it, but it was true. My faith had depleted itself, and it was interesting what happens when you stop hoping for things. Your skin thickens as you learn to adapt, and nothing hurts like it once did before.
“It’s never too late,” he then told me, in a low voice. “The past doesn’t have to stay in the past. It can be fixed, Leah.”
“Maybe,” I whispered, doubtfully.
“Not maybe. Every moment you got a chance to own up to your mistakes, to change, to tell someone that even if a lot of time has passed, your feelings haven’t gone.”
It was like listening to someone completely different.
Tentatively, he took my hand with his own. I don’t know why, but I let him. It felt so good feeling him again. He squeezed each finger, like he used to before, all the while staring at me with this thoughtful, caring look that left me trapped in him.
“You’re different,” I found myself saying as a lump of emotion settled in my throat.
“I feel different,” he replied softly. “I know what I want.”
Yeah, he was fucking with my head all of a sudden. Could I seriously open up all those feelings I’d buried away for so long? The thought terrified me, and yet a thrill shot through my system, reminding me how alive he used to make me feel.