“You know what you want,” I said quietly, more to myself than him.
“Yeah,” he replied on a slow nod.
“And what do you want?”
He let go of my hand and I felt his hand trace up my arm. He left fire behind his touch, and I warmed as his fingers trailed my collarbone. All the while he stared at me as they inched up my throat and to my jawline.
“I want what I’m looking at,” he finally answered in a whisper. “And I’ll fight for her, no matter what. Because it’s not going to change. It’s not going to go away. I want you. Not need, Leah. Want.”
I couldn’t respond. I was too lost for words at the moment, and indecisive about my emotions. My body was molten lava beneath his touch. His thumb trailed my bottom lip, and he stared down at my mouth like there was nothing more in this life he wanted than to plant his own against it.
At this point, I found it hard to care. I blamed the alcohol, but I knew really it was my soul that was high off his touch. My soul, as always, was malleable in Carter’s hands.
And that brain of mine was mute, mute, mute as can be.
“I want to kiss you,” he said quietly, and I saw that fleeting look of fear in his eyes, like he was treading territory that was on the verge of collapsing beneath his feet.
I trembled, and he waited patiently for my answer. “A little one,” I mouthed out.
“A little one,” he repeated, a ghost of a smile on his face.
“Like, a teensy one,” I explained solemnly.
“Okay, I can give you a teensy one.”
“Okay.”
He dipped his head to me, slowly, without taking his eyes off mine. His breaths picked up as he brushed his lips against mine. I shut my eyes, and tried with all my hardest not to move. His mouth pressed against mine, lightly at first, and then harder with time. The teensy kiss wasn’t teensy at all, especially when my hand snaked up his chest and around his neck. I pulled his mouth down harder to mine.
My body warmed even more when his frame came over mine. His hand grabbed a chunk of my hair, directing my face up to his, silently begging me for more. I obliged, only because I was pretty drunk. The vodka had hit me hard. Alcohol was a very bad thing, especially when it came up against childhood lovers and rock stars, and worse if they were one and the same.
All at once the kiss got out of hand. His tongue darted between my lips, and I parted them for him. His other hand roamed the side of my body, grabbing at a breast firmly. He groaned, and I nearly came apart hearing his pleasure.
His taste.
His lips.
His touch.
I was needy and quaking, feeling his cock harden between my legs. My hands ran down his solid back, and he ground against me. I broke from his kiss and moaned, my scalp stinging from the move because he was still gripping my hair. His other hand skirted between my legs, lightly brushing against my centre through my pyjama shorts. Delicious tingles travelled through me, and I gasped against his mouth.
I hadn’t felt like this in so long. I was flushed and receptive to his every touch. I grasped him to me and let his hands go where they wanted. He broke free from my mouth and kissed down my neck, his teeth scraping against my skin as he sucked.
“Fuck,” he whispered, licking down my collarbone. “I’ve been dreaming of this, baby.”
His fingers pushed beneath the elastic band of my shorts, and I opened my eyes, breathlessly looking up at the dark ceiling, trembling at the trigger of tingles shooting up my body. He rubbed me lightly between my slick folds, and I rolled my hips, encouraging him to keep touching me. It felt like I’d never been away from his touch, and I was going to crumble in a matter of moments.
He cursed under his breath and his mouth came back over mine. He lightly bit my bottom lip, and it reminded me of all the times he did that before.
Too fast. My brain suddenly fired at me. Too much.
“No,” I found myself saying, and I hadn’t even authorized the damn word from coming out.
He paused and pushed up to look down at me with his lusty eyes. “What?” he panted out.
“No,” I repeated, and there wasn’t anything else coming out.
“Too fast?”
I didn’t respond.
He withdrew his hand from my shorts and immediately climbed off of me. I glimpsed at his hands as they shook. He balled them into fists and stared up at the ceiling, his chest moving up and down, fast and hard. I’d pushed him over the edge with need too. I sat up quickly and moved to the edge of the bed.
“Shit,” I heard him mutter.
I was panting too. My whole body was slick with sweat. I was shaking and confused beyond belief. My vision was a little cloudy. I shut my eyes and tried to calm my beating heart, but the trembles weren’t going away, even long after my pulse had died down.
“I’m so stupid,” I whispered to myself angrily.
“Why?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“I’m sorry,” he then said. “I got carried away.”
“I can’t be here.” I stood up, and my head ached from the sudden move. Fuck, I really did have a lot to drink.
“Leah, don’t go.”
I turned around to face him. He was sitting up, moving slowly to the edge of the bed.
“I see you for a few hours and we’re back to before,” I vented out. “This is unreal. It’s worse than that. It’s shocking!”
“No,” he replied, softly. “It’s that we belong together.”
I let out a fake laugh. “We fucking belong together, Carter? Is that what you just said?”
“It’s exactly what I said.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “You don’t believe in that sort of thing –”
“There was a lot I didn’t believe in,” he cut in sharply. “And that’s because I was young and dumb, Leah, and I didn’t know real loss until you and Dad were gone.”
I rested my hands on my hips and looked out the window. This was all wrong. I was meant to be living my life uninterrupted. All the fucking carnage he caused me, I couldn’t forget all that.
“I don’t want more with you, Carter,” I found myself saying, determined to keep whatever remained of my progress intact. “I can’t handle an ‘us’ anymore. I’ve changed from who I used to be too. I’m different now, and I can’t be that person anymore. I refuse to be weak, dependant, afraid. I can’t be any of those things, Carter.” I was growing hysterical, laying it out there like every word lifted more weight off my heart. “I’m not going back there. Not ever.”