I didn’t know Vern, but I nodded in agreement.
“You have new shoes,” May noticed. “They’re pretty.”
“Yes, I do. My others were too small.”
May frowned. “My feet stopped growing.”
“They’re supposed to. Mine did too. Those shoes were too little all along.”
She nodded but she didn’t seem convinced.
“Can we play soccer today?” Heidi asked.
“Of course. I want to see May show us some of her fancy footwork.”
May lit up. She was proud of herself.
“Yeah!” Heidi agreed happy to cheer her friend on. “Where is your boyfriend?”
Her question startled me. “My who?”
“Your boyfriend that came this week when I was sick.”
Jasper. “Oh, that’s my boss. Remember? He’s not my boyfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend.”
Heidi grinned. “He is too. He’s handsome. He smiles at you a lot and he likes to look at you.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. “He does?” I asked.
Heidi nodded, and then she and May giggled. “Beulah has a boyfriend,” they began to sing over and over.
I wouldn’t be able to ever bring Jasper back. Heidi would be sure to mention this to him. I just laughed at their silliness and ate another cupcake. The warm sunshine had a cool breeze that made it a perfect day to enjoy outdoors.
Momma would have loved today. She always took us outside to spend our Sundays. Picnics and treats. She’d be happy Heidi lived here, and that Heidi had a place where she fit. Where she had friends. I was thankful I was going to be able to keep her here. This was a life for Heidi. One where she fit in and she had security.
“I wish you were here, Momma,” I whispered before getting up and following the girls out to the open field where the soccer nets were. They were inviting others to play and the excitement of the game was obvious.
My weirdness with Jasper was soon forgotten.
Jasper
THE WHISKEY BOTTLE IN FRONT of me had started out as a way to get my mind off Beulah, and with each glass things became clearer. Now I’d almost had a fifth of whiskey and I knew I was drunk. I should go to my bedroom to sleep it off, but I didn’t. I waited for her. I had to see her and explain about this morning. About how fucking scared I’d been.
Stone had left after we argued again. He said he’d be back in a week and that he had his own shit to deal with. Which I understood. He was running from his father and the Richmond department stores and malls all over the goddamn country that would one day be his. I didn’t know why, but Stone hated the man who would give him his fortune. Just last month, he talked about running off and joining the rodeo circuit, which was a crock of shit. Hilarious, and a crock of shit. He’d grown up much the same way I had, and neither of us was getting on some crazy as hell bull.
I was either more intoxicated than I assumed, or so lost in thought I wasn’t listening, but Beulah entered the room without me realizing it.
“Jasper?” Her voice was unsure. Sweet and kind.
“You’re back. Have a good visit?”
She hesitated. I assumed she saw the whiskey bottle. I sat there with my full glass. “Yes. It was nice. They enjoyed the other treats you told me to take.”
How did I do this? How did I love her? How did I do it and not hurt her? Could I? She was so damn sweet. I was scared I would mess up. Fuck that. What if she saw me for who I was and left me? How would I survive?
“Shit,” I muttered.
“What?”
I sat my glass down and laid my head back closing my eyes. Not looking at her was easier. I couldn’t face what I was about to say while I admitted it. Because that’s why I’d stayed up. To tell her before I lost her.
“Do you know why I ran out this morning?” I asked her. Hell, she may have this all figured out by now anyway.
“No,” was her uneasy response. This was making her nervous. I didn’t want to do that.
“I left because I was fucking terrified,” I admitted.
She didn’t say anything. I heard her shuffle her feet. I continued. “You scare me. I’ve never been scared before. Not about women. But you, Beulah Edwards, scare the fuck out of me.”
“Oh,” her voice was soft and she sounded confused. I didn’t have to see her face to know that. She still had no idea.
“I don’t fall in love. Not my thing. I had parents who hated each other. I figured they must have been in love once. And saw what love had done to them. Hell, I could be just like my dad and fall in love with someone as fucking cruel and cold as my mother. I stayed clear of having feelings for a girl and it was easy. It was easy . . . until you. And you didn’t even try. You were just you and I have fallen so hard that I can’t believe it myself. You’re different,” I said opening my eyes and turning my head to look directly at her. “You are the different, the special that breaks a man. Makes him want more. Makes him want a life he thought he’d never have. Until you, I never wanted to love someone, Beulah. But you . . . I want to love you. I think I’ve waited my whole life to love you.”
Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open in surprise or shock. She was frozen in place. Not moving. It looked as if she were barely breathing. If she ran from me or she didn’t want this, I’d suffer. I had gotten my stupid ass drunk and thrown myself out there to be trampled.
“Me?” she finally said just above a whisper.
There it was again. The thing that made her different. If I had told this to any other girl I’d ever dated she would have immediately taken what I’d said and ran. Gotten all she could out of me. But Beulah just stood there. Unable to move. Wondering if I meant to say all this to her.
“Yes. You. I don’t think it could ever be anyone else.”
She blinked and touched her temple, rubbing her forehead with her hand, then she shook her head. “Are you drunk?”
I laughed then. She made me laugh a lot. Something I needed. I wanted to be close to her for many reasons, but her joy about life was part of it. She made me happy. I’d been pretending so damn long, I had forgotten what real happiness felt like. She knew though. She found it even when life sucked.
“Yes, I’m drunk. But everything I just said is why I’m drunk. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wanting to be near you. I gave you a job in my office so you’d be close to me during the day. Even when I acted like a dick it was because I was attracted to you and I didn’t want to be. Then I spent more time with you, got to know you, and it was more than your beautiful face. It was your beautiful soul.” I wondered if I’d be coming up with such fucking great prose if I was sober. I doubted it. I’d be so damn nervous I wouldn’t say half this shit. I meant it. Every word. The words flowed easily with the alcohol involved.
She still wasn’t moving. So I got up and walked over to stand in front of her. Close enough that I could feel her warmth, but not touch her. She tilted her head back to look up at me. “I-I love you too. But . . . we can’t do that. Love each other. When you’re sober you will realize that. This,” she looked around her. “We live two different lives in two different worlds. That won’t mix.”
I had tried to tell myself that. Stone had tried to fucking drill it into my head. But if life only gives you a Beulah once . . . how do you walk away? I didn’t want to be my dad. I didn’t want his unhappy life. I wanted a life with sunshine in it. A life with Beulah. “Let me show you I can make this work. Please. I can’t just let you slip through my fingers. I’m lucky enough to have found you. I won’t find another girl like you. And in this life, I need you. I’ll do everything I can to make you need me.”
She blinked again, and sighed. Her eyes were damp. “I don’t believe this is happening. I’m afraid to believe it. When you wake up tomorrow you’re going to regret you said all this. It’ll be awkward and . . . I need this job. Both jobs.”
I reached out and put my hand on her waist, gently tugging her to me. “I won’t change my mind. And I sure as hell won’t regret this. Let me hold you tonight. When you wake up in my arms you’ll know it’s going to be okay. We found each other for a reason. It was fate. It’s supposed to be. We’re supposed to be.”