It was possible she’d never come at all. He thought back to the odd expression on her face the night before when he told her he’d be at the bench this afternoon. The way she’d kissed him with such finality, as if saying good-bye.
Maybe after the way he’d revealed himself last night, telling her in explicit terms the power he wanted in their relationship, she’d made her choice. The right choice. The choice to live in the sunshine without him. He couldn’t blame her, even as his heart felt like it was splintering into a million tiny pieces. She would be happier this way. When it came to her, he didn’t get to be selfish. It didn’t matter that his brain chanted mine, mine, mine and urged him to turn the hell around and go find her, convince her to be his. He cared about her too much to do that. She deserved to be happy. And after last night, she must have realized happiness wouldn’t be possible with him. She might have temporarily enjoyed what they’d done physically, but in the end it had proven too much, just as he’d predicted.
Matt fell back onto the bench and traced the carving with his fingertips, mentally willing Lucy to sit down beside him. She wouldn’t. He knew that. But it didn’t stop him from picturing a different outcome. Her crawling onto his lap, telling him the story of her grandparents’ proposal. Her eyes sparkling up at him, fingers toying with the buttons of his shirt.
Pain hit him hard. Oh God, how was he supposed to function without her? Before Lucy, before he’d known the effect of her presence, his daily routine hadn’t seemed so bad. Now, the very idea of going through those same motions seemed pointless. Since meeting her, getting out of bed in the morning had stopped being a chore and started feeling vital. He’d had Lucy to take care of. Better, he’d had the privilege of seeing her, talking to her.
He hadn’t gone back to square one.
No, he’d sunk down further than that.
She doesn’t want me.
Muscles suddenly aching, Matt rose from the bench and walked away from the last physical reminder he had of Lucy, knowing no amount of time or distance would erase the memories.
…
Matt sat on the locker room bench staring at nothing. The last day had been even worse than he’d expected. He could feel every single thud of his heart, suffering along with him in his chest. Breathing continued to be an effort. In. Out. In. Out. He couldn’t remember driving to the station this morning or walking into the locker room minutes ago. His body had taken over out of self-preservation because it hurt to think.
When he heard Brent and Daniel enter the row of lockers, he didn’t even look up. He didn’t want to see them or talk to them. Didn’t want to hear about their happiness. And for the love of everything holy, he did not want to hear about their wedding plans. Under normal circumstances, he found that kind of talk insufferable. Today, it might send him over the edge.
Yeah right, as if you haven’t already gone sailing over the edge.
They both greeted him with grunts, which he returned without meeting their eyes. Matt suspected he’d never be able to look at Brent again without thinking of Lucy. Oh, God. Simply thinking her name felt like a spike being driven into his sternum. Trying to distract himself, he stood and opened his locker. Thankfully, his friends were relatively quiet for once, allowing him to dress for his shift without their usual ribbing of one another.
Behind him, Brent flung open his locker door, letting it slam against the one beside it. Matt frowned, finally glancing at a perplexed-looking Daniel.
“Need a hug, man?” Daniel joked.
“I’m not in the mood today, pretty boy.”
Daniel didn’t press, but Brent thundered on as if he had. “Sometimes I wonder if women were just put on this earth to make men feel like ass**les. Who’s with me?”
Daniel lifted an eyebrow. “You’re asking the wrong guy. Women are kind of my thing.” A slow smile spread across his face. “At least, they used to be.”
“Yeah, well, maybe you could have talked some sense into my sister.” Brent tossed his giant-sized sneaker into the back of his locker with a bang. “I certainly couldn’t.”
Matt went very still. “What happened? Is she okay?”
Brent shrugged jerkily. “She was physically fine when I dropped her off at the airport an hour ago. Mentally, it’s anyone’s guess.”
“Airport?” Matt choked out, fighting a wave of dizziness.
Brent slumped onto the bench, his irritation seeming to drain out of him. “I don’t get it. I’ve barely spent two seconds with the girl since she finished grad school, then she’s off to Paris.” He rubbed his forehead, oblivious to the fact that Matt’s knees were nearly buckling in front of him. “Fuck. Did I give her the impression that I don’t want to hang out with her?” His eyes closed on a frustrated sigh. “She called herself a nuisance.”
Matt had been holding his badge. Now, it clattered on the ground. He fought the urge to grab Brent and shake him. “Nuisance,” he enunciated. “She used that exact word?”
The day of the water balloon fight came back to him then in a tornado of words and color. If I ever hear of you calling yourself that again, I will find you wherever you are and make you sorry. That’s a promise.
Looking miserable, Brent nodded. “She said the position at the Louvre opened early…that it wouldn’t wait. I could tell she was lying. I know her. Something was up.”
Matt could hardly think over the furious pounding in his chest. Was this her way of sending him a message? If so, she’d taken a serious risk of him not getting it. Like Brent, he didn’t buy the story about the position opening early.
He sprang into motion, shoving his feet into shoes and slamming his locker door shut. Unable to think of anything but the consequences of not getting to Lucy before she boarded the plane, he gripped Brent by the shoulders. “Flight number. Terminal. Give them to me, now.”
“Why?” Brent’s brow puckered, but his friend knew him well enough that it only took a quick study of Matt’s face to determine exactly why he wanted to find his sister. “Oh Jesus, Matty. Are you f**king kidding me?”
“No. I need her.” He worked to steady his voice. “She belongs with me and I’m going to get her, with or without your help.”
“I can’t believe you’re making me kick your ass two days after you saved my life.” He threw up his hands. “Has to be done. It’s a rule.”
“Set in stone,” Daniel murmured, watching them closely.
Matt’s patience was rapidly deteriorating. “Look, you can try and kick my ass later. I’ll give you the first swing. But right now—”
Brent laughed incredulously. “You don’t get to schedule your own ass-kicking.”
That did it. Whatever composure he’d been able to maintain evaporated. He shoved Brent up against the lockers and held him there. His friend looked too stunned to react, so he pressed his advantage. “Listen to me. I love your sister. I love her so much I can’t wait for tomorrow. To see what she says, what she wears, which laugh she’ll use. She’s not your sister to me. She’s Lucy. She’s the girl who makes me feel human.” Once the words started, he couldn’t seem to stop. “I know I’m not who you’d pick for her, I’m probably not even who she would pick, but I’ll change that. I’ll give her everything. Just tell me where she is.”