“Well, maybe it’s not such a bad thing he’s missing. Maybe something happened. Maybe he’s not coming to find me anymore.” Her voice lowers to a whisper.
Yeah, maybe not, darlin’.
“Do you honestly believe Chad is going to give up?” I call her out on it. We both know who we’re dealing with; this asshole won’t rest till he wins.
“I’m just trying to stay positive.” She moves back, grabbing some plates from the cabinet and setting them on the counter. I watch her face. With the worry marring her forehead, I can almost sense her despair from across the room.
“You should be positive, Kenz.” I rise from my seat and take the few steps to stand in front of her. “Your asshole ex is not going to get to you here. I won’t let him, I promise.”
“You can’t promise that, Beau. I’m not always going to be here. You’re not always going to be able to protect me.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, darlin’. I’m always going to protect you.” She looks up, eyes blazing, and it breaks me. The uncertainty calls to me. Like I’ve been where she is and I’d do anything to stop her from feeling like this. I know I’m close to overstepping some kind of line here, but it’s like I don’t give a fuck anymore.
“And when I leave?” She hands me a plate of fresh steaming fettuccini and I have to force my fingers to grip it tighter to stop myself from dropping it.
“Leave? What the fuck are you talking about, darlin’?” I stand there confused, watching her set herself up at the dinner table.
“Well—” She stops, realizing I haven’t followed her over. “Come sit.” She pats the spot next her. Clearing my throat, I follow her over and take a seat.
“So, I’ve been thinking. They’re no closer to finding Chad—”
“You don’t know that,” I cut her off, not wanting her to lose hope.
“I know, but I need to begin moving on with my life.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Kenz?” I bark, taken aback by where this conversation is going.
“I was talking to Kelly and Hunter today. I didn’t even know they were related, did you?” She starts to ramble, but gets back on track. “Anyway, Hunter said there’s an empty apartment in the complex he lives in. I’ve been saving my pay from Nix. I have enough for a deposit.”
“Hunter?” Rage boils in my body the second his name leaves her lips.
Fucking Hunter.
“Yeah.” She eyes me slowly, catching on to my change in demeanor.
“Kenzie, you can’t move out, not when Chad is still out there.” My hand moves to my beard and I rub hard trying to calm my anger.
“I can’t just sit around here anymore, Beau. I’m going crazy. I need normal. I need to be away from the parties, the women. You’ve all been so welcoming here, taking me in and giving me protection, but Chad hasn’t come for me yet.”
“It’s too dangerous, Kenzie.” I’m not okay with this plan and I’m not backing down.
“So I should stay here until you find him? Living in fear like I was doing in Ohio.”
“I don’t understand you, Mackenzie.” I stand and move to the fridge for a beer. I think I’m gonna need a few for this conversation.
“You don’t understand I want to be happy?” I pop the top of my beer and take a seat back down.
“I don’t see why you would want to risk your safety.” I pick up my fork and dig in, twisting it to roll up some pasta.
“Are you happy, Beau?”
I swallow a mouthful of food before I answer. “What does that have to do with you leaving our protection, Mackenzie?”
“Just answer me, Beau.”
“Yeah, I’m happy.” I shrug, not really sure what she’s trying to achieve here. “I mean there have been times I haven’t been,” I add, deciding she needs the truth. “There’ve been plenty of times throughout the last ten years I’ve questioned myself, what I’ve been doing, where I’m going. But I finally found a head space I’m happy in.” I fill my mouth with another serving of pasta.
“You think it’s a head space?” She looks back up, my answer surprising her.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think it has to do with in here.” I tap the side of my temple. “You just need to be in the right headspace and make it happen.”
“I’ve been trying for a long time you know, even when I was in Ohio. I made some friends, had a good job. I thought I was happy. But in the quiet times like this, I wasn’t. It didn’t matter how hard I wanted to be happy or tried to make it happen, I couldn’t.” I know life hasn’t been good for Mackenzie in a long time. First living with Chad, then escaping him, but I didn’t realize how low she has been feeling.
“Maybe because there wasn’t where you needed to be, Kenz.” I reach my hand across the table and place it over hers. She doesn’t pull back like I expect her to and I celebrate briefly at the win.
“You think this is where I need to be? Here. Hiding from the world.” She shakes her head, not accepting this as her fate.
“You’re not hiding, darlin’. You’re surviving.”
“Hiding under the protection of the club isn’t surviving.” She pulls her hand back, breaking our connection.
“I don’t know what you need for me to say here, Kenz. I thought this is what you wanted? Why you came back. You just want to leave now?” I want to give her a decent shake. Make her see she’s not thinking right.