She shrugs and swallows.
I whistle, hoping he can hear me, as I walk to the farmhouse. It's a beautiful property but the house is a mess. The brown siding is rotting off and the inside looks like it's suffered through an earthquake. The stairs are shifted. It's a perfect place for the animals and infected to hide. I close the crooked front door and don’t go in. It's one of the rules I have—don’t go in unless there is no other option. At this point, going in is an option only for curiosity’s sake.
The trees look amazing; they don’t look sick at all. The leaves are bright and green, and the apples are bright and red. They are ready to harvest fast this year.
The dry borderlands are surprisingly good for farming. I pick another apple and walk towards Anna. She's staring off into space, holding her leaf of food, but not moving. Her face is lost in whatever she's remembering. Her eyes drop down as a blush crosses her face but she doesn’t smile. I can imagine what she's remembering.
I can imagine the pain she's in.
I know that pain. It's a dusty, dry, hollow ache in my heart too. It’s the feel of my lips pressed against his hand. He wasn’t normal, or functional, or sane, but he was my match in this crazy world where things don’t make sense anyway.
I nod, "Let's start walking towards the hills and see if it's the right way."
My words pull her from the daydream. She gets up, still forcing herself to eat. Our footsteps are the only sound surrounding us, besides the slight whistle of the warm wind through the orchard. The fruit is almost as good as drinking water. The juice it makes in my mouth as I take small bites, quenches some of my thirst.
We are out of water and ammo, and I am out of care. If I drop dead in the dusty hills in front of us, I don’t care. I want Leo, Sarah, Jake, and even Star, but I want Will more. I even want Bernie more because I want that look in Anna's eyes to come back. Her face isn’t sad; it's the opposite. I can see she's grateful for what she had, even if it was short lived. Her bravery knows no bounds, and I am the only one who is never going to be okay again. She will be. She has been disappointed so much in this life, that even a broken heart can't stop her spirit.
We enter the denser forest, picking up the pace. I have no gun, or bow, or anything. I have my knife.
I don’t know what I thought the world looked like; I never gave it much thought. It was all survival before, but now with him gone, it feels like the world is broken. I think I finally know what it feels like to be normal. Everyone else has lived through this all along, but I haven’t. I've survived and now I'm not sure I want to.
We hike until my throat dries out and the apples are gone. She sits down on a rock in the middle of nowhere and shakes her head.
I nod, "I know. We're lost." I whistle again and sit down next to her. The forest is silent, not a good sign.
I don’t even want to listen to the sounds of the forest. I just want to close my eyes.
"You have to stop, Em."
I frown at her, "What?"
Tears fill her eyes making them sparkle; they're so blue. Her lip quivers as she shakes her head, "You have to stop. I see it. He wouldn’t want this to end you. I see the anger and will to live are gone. They would want us to find the others and be safe."
She is still the fragile girl standing outside my door with big blue eyes, wanting to sacrifice herself for Jake.
My eyes fill with tears, "I just don’t know how to feel." My voice cracks. "He died for me. He died, but I coulda lived. I coulda lived through that bullet. I'm stronger than he was."
She nods, "I know, but he didn’t want you to get shot." Her voice makes the high moan of the infected when she whispers.
I close my eyes and shudder. The tears are coming faster than I can cry them out. They're choking me up.
A scent hits me as warm fur smothers me and huge paws wrap around me. He found us. I wrap my arms around his neck, digging my fingers into his fur. I feel her arms wrap around us too. He pants into my neck, making his crazy wolf noises. I can't stop shaking.
His smell is the same as always. He nips at me lightly. I nod, "I know. I'm sorry I left you again."
Anna cries into him too. The three of us sit at the top of a hill, weeping and hugging. His head lifts, looking behind us. I swear he's looking for Will and Bernie. His yellow eyes scan the hill and then me. I shake my head, sobbing harder. He puts his head into the wind and cries out the haunting sound he made when Meg died.
I lift my face, letting his song become part of the wind on my skin. He finishes and stands, like he's ready to go home. I am too.
Anna takes my hand, squeezing hard. She smiles, "We'll be okay."
I nod, wiping my face and follow Leo down the hillside. He keeps checking behind his shoulder to make sure we're still there.
He isn’t going to trust us for a while.
At the bottom of the hill, I recognize the road we’ve come upon. He walks, looking around nervously until we reach the entrance to the driveway. My heart lifts a little when we get in view of the house. It looks the same. No cars, no wars, no anger, and no strangers. Just a house, a rock pile grave, and a yard filled with memories I don’t want, but I love anyway. I love the fact I can close my eyes and see them all.
Star comes running out. Her eyes look behind us, but she knows when we get closer. Her eyes drop. Her destroyed expression becomes part of the memories I don’t want. Jake's face is next. He looks past us. His gaze settles on Anna's face. Whatever the look on her face is, it tells him everything he needs to know. He stops walking, watching her and waiting for her to change the news.
Star does something I don’t expect. She wraps her arms around me, "Is he gone?"
I nod once. She shakes, crying silently. "Will too?"
I nod again, hugging her back.
Jake sees us, his blue eyes glisten with the tears filling them. He shakes his head, "No way. No way. We just got him back. No, he's strong. You wait and see, he's gonna come." The tears leave his eyes, streaming down his face. Leo walks to him, rubbing against him.
Jack's son comes out of the house. His face falls. He presses his lips together and lowers his gaze. Sarah bursts from the house, leaping at me. I hug her and Star.
"You made it back." She looks past me, "Where's Will and Bernie?"
I shake my head, letting her down on the grass. Her little face loses the joy she had. She starts to cry silently, turning away from me. She walks to Meg's grave. Leo follows her, as does Andy when he comes walking out of the house. They sit next to the rock pile with their backs to us. Andy holds her hand. Somehow, it's the worst and best thing I've ever seen. Even Leo doesn’t mind Andy anymore.
Jake and Anna are sobbing, holding each other.
Star wipes her face, "How?"
I sniffle, "Bernie got shot by a guard in the city and I killed Will."
Jake looks at me but Anna shakes her head. She points at me, "He would have wanted that choice. You made it fair for everyone."
Jake shakes his head, "What?"
"Marshall knew about a missile in the city that could be launched, and it would take away all the power from the whole country. No trucks, cars, and technology. No city and breeder farms or work camps. No one doing better than anyone else. Me and Bernie found it, and with his last breath, he launched the missile. Will was on a machine that kept him alive, when the power went out… so did Will." I realize how cold it sounds as I say it.
No one says anything for a minute.
Finally, Star nods, "I'm glad Bernie got to fix his mistakes. It's always bothered him that he was part of it."
Jack's son points at the house, "We noticed the power was gone. Nothing is working."
Jake wipes his eyes, "Will would have done the same thing. He wanted this to end, always."
I shake my head. I don’t have anything to add to it. I don’t want to talk about it. I turn and walk to Sarah and Leo. I sit on my knees next to her. She looks at me with a tear-stained face. She sniffles, "I was just telling Meg to go find Bernie and Will and make sure they stay with her, so we can all find them again."
Her words are like a knife in my heart.
I stare at the grave, "She'll keep them entertained and busy until we get there."
Leo lays down and we sit in silence, grieving the same people for different reasons.
Chapter Nine
"Ten more people, Em. We can't keep this up."
I look at Sully, Jack's son, and shake my head, "What can we do? It's only two months till the snow hits. We can't turn people away."
He sighs, "Em, the entire camp is on its way. Jack told me how big that camp was. The place they go for winter has been taken over by other people."
In the last two months, the changes that have taken place have made everything harder for everyone. Everyone but us rebels, who were used to being cut off.
I shake my head, "We need to help them set up their camp here. How many houses are built?"
He shrugs, "Four."
I nod, "The barn can convert if it's needed. We need to make sure the fireplaces are set up."
He nods, "I know. I just wanted to tell you, ten more people have arrived, with word that a lot more are on their way."
"Great." I leave the kitchen, walking past people straggling in. I grab an apple and some seeds from the sunflowers, and go look for Anna.
She's still green around the gills and looking exhausted but she doesn’t stop. She points at the barn and tells the man with the armload of fire wood where it needs to go.
She smiles when she sees me. There is joy on her face; that is one of the few things keeping me going. I pass her the apple, "You have to eat."
She sighs, "Em, I ate like an hour ago."
I shake my head, "You eat this and I won't bug you for a couple hours."
Sarah stumbles over, running with Leo. Her face is lit up, "The meat racks work!"
I smile at her, "Did it dry them?"