"My dad warned me, if I cared about anything I would care about everything."
He kisses my lips once more, "We broke you."
I shake my head and pull away from him, "You saved me." I walk up the hill fast. I know he can't catch me. Tears blind me.
I break into a run and flee for the safety of the forest. I know the guards in the trees can see me running but I don’t care.
My hands dig into the soft dirt on a hill as I pull my way up it. I jump over the other side and let the sadness of it all flow out of me.
Images of the garbage bags tearing open flash behind my closed eyes.
I cover my eyes with my hands. The dirt on them blends with the tears.
I hear a loud snap. I look up expecting Leo. He always knows when I'm sad or lost.
Through the water works I see a man. I know who it is instantly. I can smell him.
He sits and pulls me into him. I want to fight him but I can't.
I sob into his shirt. "They were hollow. The bags ripped open and they were hollow. No eyes. No guts. Just flaps of skin. I can't leave them there. There was a girl. A little girl."
He strokes my head, "Okay. Okay. We won't leave them there."
His fingers brush the top of my head.
Will kisses the top of my head. His hot breath on my scalp calms me.
"When I was there I met a guy named Dillon. He was young like me, eighteen. We worked an apple orchard together in southern Utah. When the doctors came through looking for young healthy men they picked us both. We went to the breeder camp you were at. They tested us and made sure we were healthy. I passed the tests but I guess Dillon's blood showed he carried a gene for Huntington's disease. He didn’t have it but if he had kids they could get it, maybe. Maybe not." His voice lowers, "They told him he was going to be let go because they couldn’t use him. He shook my hand and told me best of luck. Said he would see me again. Told me he was going to try to find his mother and father in Idaho."
He quivers and he takes a breath, "I was walking through the halls, past all sorts of windows. Dillon and three other guys we had been brought there with were walking out in this garden area. Through the window I watched as a man came out with a gun and shot them all before any of them could register what had happened."
I had stopped crying halfway through the story. I hold my breath and look up into his watery eyes. "They said it was an accident they walked us that way. They didn’t mean for us to see it. But I knew. They did it as a warning. Bullshit wouldn't be tolerated and each of us meant nothing to them."
He doesn’t look at me. He speaks like he is inside of the story and can't break away, no matter what. It is his guilt to live with. The guilt of being the one to live.
"So I know what you feel about it all. When I met the scientists who were there with a gun against their heads I knew there was still a chance. They wanted to stop it and let mankind start over. Humanity exists Emma. It's inside of every one of those garbage bags. It's inside of the people trying to eek out a life in the mountains like you were."
The memories of my old cabin fill my mind and I smile.
He laughs, "The smile that crosses your lips when you think about that old cabin is hilarious. You go from slightly insane and moody to Susie home-maker."
I frown, "Who's Susie?" He's one to talk about looking grumpy.
He laughs again and kisses my forehead. "We need to go back."
I stand, "Thanks for letting me, uhm, cry."
"You are the most incredible person I've ever met. You lived through it all." He pulls me into him and grips my back.
I hear a noise and see Leo watching us. He looks sad. I drop to my knees. He jumps up on the log and down in front of me. He puts his paws up and hugs me.
I breathe in his fur. The smell of him brings me home.
"I love you too boy."
He looks at Will and makes a throaty noise.
"He hates me."
I pull back and stroke his huge ears, "No he doesn’t. He hasn’t even tried to eat you yet. Don’t be a baby."
We walk back and I am resolved in my debate about going back to the breeder farm. I glance at Will and Jake's words ring in my head. I never feel guilty when I'm in Will's arms.
I silently agree with Jake, I am broken.
Chapter Twenty
"I don’t give a good goddamn what the fucking conditions in there are Will. I am not sending my men into the fucking farms. It's a suicide mission. Think with your brain and not your cock. Jesus."
The crowd can't help but watch from outside the tent.
A man beside Marshall glares at me, "She's filling your head with stories. Lisa's sister went and got a condo in the city. They don’t fucking kill them." He paces around the maps like a caged animal.
I feel my fingers twitching but I let Will do the talking.
"She saw what she saw. She isn’t making it up. My sister saw it. Are you calling my sister a liar?"
The red-faced man throws his arms in the air, "I'm not calling them liars, just confused. Some of the girls aren't going to make it. Not every woman lives through child birth."
He is back peddling.
Will leans over the table and looks at Marshall, "Marshall huge dumpsters full of dead women in body bags. The nurse told them what was going on. There are no condos in the city."
Gasps and whispers fill the crowd outside the tent.
Star is there beside Will suddenly. She reaches down and touches his lower back with her hands. I want to focus on Marshall and the fighting but her cut offs look shorter than ever and her tank top is tighter.
I leave the tent and walk away. I am not waiting for them to decide. I'll figure it out on my own.
"You were the one in the farms?"
I look over at a lady with long brown hair. Her face is old but I would bet she isn’t that old. Her eyes look young.
I nod.
"My sister is there. She went last year. They took her."
"I'm sorry."
"Is it true? Are they killing them?"
I nod again.
"I knew it. I was in the city last year. That's how she got caught. We went there and she got taken and I got kicked out. I was a smoker, before. Said I have a seventy percent chance of getting lung or throat cancer. Wouldn’t take me. Then they kicked me out of the city."
I sit at a small table with some stump chairs, "What was the city like?"
She shakes her head and sit across from me, "Like nothing you ever seen, even before."
She rubs her dark eyes, "There wasn’t no one like us. You know looking like they spent any time out in the woods or old abandoned houses. We tried sleeping in an alley but they patrol them all night. Me and Amanda, my sister, we found a place under a building to sleep. There was no one like us. The women are all thin and pretty and they have little kids and everyone is too clean. They eat like they aint never been hungry. Pick at it and then throw it away."
My lips curl into a smile, a bitter and expressive smile. "Well maybe we should show them what it's like to be hungry."
She puts a hand over mine, "The kids are weird. They aint normal. They are like little adults but they have bad tempers. We was hiding in the back of a building and a pack of them came along. They was maybe twelve years old. All beautiful and perfect looking. They attacked an older woman and killed her. They smiled while they done it."
My skin shivers.
She shakes her head, "If you want help getting them girls out I'm in. I got people here too. When they find out Amanda is going to be killed after she has her babies they'll help."
I admire her bravery. She may be skinny and tired looking but I can see a fire in her tired eyes.
"I'm Emma."
She cackles and coughs, "Everyone knows who you are sugar bee. I'm Nannette. Everyone calls me Nan." She put a boney hand out. I take it. It feels soft compared to mine.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-nine."
I honestly would have guessed forty. I hold my face muscles still and smile, "I'm nineteen."
"You look about fourteen. You're plump like them city people are. Having enough water and food does that to you."
I look at my forearm and know it's the truth. I've always had enough. It wasn’t grand or amazing but it was enough. Something cold presses against my hand. I look at Leo's wolf face. His muzzle is wet.
"Hey boy." I scratch his face. "This is Leo."
She nods again slowly. A smile creeps across her lips like she's in on a joke and I'm not, "He's the reason everyone knows who you are kiddo."
I smile at him, "You're a superstar Leo."
She looks intimidated by him.
"Well Nan it was nice meeting you."
"If you planning something you let me know."
"Oh this is me letting you know. Get me about seven or eight of the more dirty looking guys you know but who can fight and keep their temper at the same time. Meet me at the south east side of camp in two hours. Pack light, food and water."
"Sounds good kid."
I stand and leave with Leo next to me. I need to do this with a small group of people. It needs to be done delicately. I know exactly how to do it.
I walk to where the group of women had been the last time I was at the camp. There are less of them milling about as they peel vegetables.
Most of the others are watching the arguing going on in the tent between Will and Marshall.
The older one smiles at me, "Got out I see."
I smile back, "I did. You know of any women here who can fight?"
She looks at the four women beside her and opens her arms wide, "What are we chopped liver?"
I shake my head, "No."
Putting her hands on her hips, she blows a piece of hair out of her eyes. I notice now how much they sparkle. "I was in the military before. I left to start my own business after twenty years was up. Good thing I have that military pension now or I'd starve."