Rachel shakes her head, rubbing her cheek on my chest. “You smell so good.”
I kiss the top of her head and will myself to stop thinking about Blaire. Damn it to hell. Rachel deserves better than this.
After a pause Rachel says quietly, “We had fun, didn’t we?” I wrap her in my arms and tighten my hold on her, understanding what she means.
“I thought that you had moved on, but you haven’t. I don’t love you, Ronan, but I am falling for you. And for that reason, I’m walking away.” She places a soft kiss on my neck. “I can’t do this again. Not so soon after my divorce.”
“I’m sorry, Rachel.”
“Don’t apologize,” her voice cracks, “because if you do, it will mean that what we shared was a mistake, and it wasn’t. It was beautiful.” She lets me go, straightens, and pats my chest. “Just as you are.”
My hands go to her hips, gripping her soft curves. “I wish that I could—”
“Love me?” She smiles a small, rueful smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “No, my beautiful, blind man … you couldn’t have. Not when you never stopped belonging to her.”
I clench my jaw, hating myself because it’s true. As much as I try to deny my own heart, it’s no use. Blaire owns me. I thought that I had a choice to forget her, to live without her, but I was just fooling myself. To do so would be like asking the sun to stop rising at dawn. Impossible. Yet the consuming need to hurt her as much as she hurt me runs rampant within me, obliterating any tenderness for her left in my heart. The thirst to tear her apart with my fingers and feast on her blood is the fuel that has kept me going all this time. Because if I’m being honest with myself, she’s the reason why I accepted Rachel and Carl’s help. Why I gave up my foolish dreams of someday making it on my own and took the easy way out. She’s the reason behind every choice that I’ve made to bring me to this point.
“Ronan … if you love her, and it’s obvious that you do, why don’t you go after her?”
I look away from her blue eyes that seem able to get past every barrier that I have erected. “I can’t.”
How can I explain to her that my hunger for revenge outweighs my useless love for a woman who never wanted it? But it doesn’t matter. Life has finally smiled my way by placing Blaire in my path, and I will make her pay.
She urges me to look at her again. “There’s the stubborn streak that I love so much. But be careful or it will be your downfall.”
“I don’t deserve you, Rachel. I’ve done you wrong.”
“No, don’t say that, Ronan. I’m a big girl, and I knew what I was getting myself into from the beginning. Am I hurt?” She shrugs. “Maybe a little. But you’re worth it. So worth it. And I’ll recover. I know that now.” She touches her chest.
“You know, when I met you, I felt like there was ice inside me, but it’s gone. It isn’t there anymore. You’ve reminded me of what it feels like to make love, to laugh, to feel beautiful and desirable. Thanks to you, I feel like myself again.”
I lean down and kiss her for what will never be.
When we pull apart, she strokes my shoulder and smiles too brightly, her gaze glistening with unshed tears. “I better go. I sent for a driver a couple of hours ago and he just got here.” Rachel heads toward the door and stops when she’s almost reached it. She turns her head and looks me in the eye. “Life is too fleeting, Ronan. Make sure you don’t waste any more of it.”
Blaire
TONIGHT AS I SAT IN A booth surrounded by people, watching them laughing, drinking—having a good time—I couldn’t bring myself to join in the fun, to pretend that everything was all right. Emotionally and physically tired, I decided to come back to the house.