He suppressed a smile as she turned her gaze to Gideon, her blue-green eyes haunted.
“No apologies, remember?” Gideon said quietly, a towel for her already in hand. “It"s been a stressful day.”
“Yes. But I"ll still apologize for that one. I could say I don"t know what got into me, but of course, I do.” She gave a half laugh, too close to a sob for Daegan"s liking. “I guess I have a built-in excuse for being a heartless bitch, right?”
“Yeah, but don"t take advantage of it too much.” Gideon slid the towel over her shoulders as Daegan guided her out. He shut off the water, then pulled a towel off the rack as well.
“I"d like to go sit on the bed and talk about what happened at the Council,” she said. Taking a deep breath, she glanced at them both. “There"s something else I want to put out on the table.
It"s close to dawn now, but tomorrow night, I want to go out to dinner. The three of us.” Daegan looked toward Gideon. Before the man could give him a reading on whether or not it was advisable, Anwyn stomped on his foot, hard. Even though she was barefoot, her aim was enough to catch his attention. Her eyes flashed.
“Don"t look toward my servant to decide what I can and can"t do.” Daegan caught her chin, jerking it up, and was satisfied to see he"d caught her attention when those lovely blue-green eyes widened at the expression on his face. “Giving you my heart is not the same as snapping a collar on my testicles, cher. I"ve given you a great deal of latitude, to allow for what you are facing. Watch your tone and attitude, or I will prove to you, quite quickly, who wears the collar in our relationship.”
Her eyes sparked, lips firming. He felt the temper simmering, deciding. This time it seemed goaded by Anwyn as well as her unstable mind, an improvement. He expected Gideon had learned to tell minute differences in her temperament from moment to moment, what was the result of her “gremlins” and what was her. It unfortunately underscored what the man had said in his room; his intimate knowledge of Anwyn"s mind would be key to her success before the Council.
However, now the male had shifted forward a step. Daegan turned his gaze toward the hunter and read his body language easily enough. “Your Mistress will never come to any harm from my hands, Gideon. I swear that to you. But there are lines of etiquette, both in the vampire world she"s entered, and the human world she still shares. You know it.” He glanced back down at the lovely, strong woman he knew hated not having control over the things happening inside of her. Now that he was back, and could help more directly, he"d given her another tool for dealing with it, whether she or Gideon realized it. The limits of Daegan"s tolerance for bad behavior. Though she wouldn"t appreciate the analogy, the gremlins in her mind, those voices that could rise up and take over her reality, as well as her fledgling bloodlust, were much like children, needing to learn boundaries from a parent. One day, he hoped that she would be that authority over them, but right now, every external source could help. He didn"t mind being a formidable one. If he could, he"d hunt every one of the little demons out of her brain and skin them alive.
“At least for the immediate future,” he noted, “you know you will be unique in our world.
Your servant has far deeper and wider access to your mind than most vampires permit, because he is the one who can tell, better than the rest of us, what is you and what is the bad blood. The only time he gets confused is when it is tangled up with the odd balance of control and surrender developing between you, and the considerable emotional baggage he is carrying.” He gave Gideon another look when the man scowled. “I will therefore look toward Gideon for that confirmation, not to demean you or relegate you to a lower status than your servant, but out of respect for you, and a desire to safeguard your well-being that overwhelms everything for me, even your pride.”
He allowed his voice to soften, though his hand dropped to her throat, collaring it with a pressure that brought her gaze back to his. “Your pride is something I cherish as well, when it is a reflection of your deep self-confidence and inner strength. Not when it is a foolish worry that I think less of you for needing to depend on us more than you ever have. Can you not see how much we both cherish your trust? The trust of a Mistress isn"t given lightly.”
“What if I never learn control?”
“You"ve always been extraordinary, Anwyn,” he responded. “Which makes me believe you will.”
“I agree,” Gideon offered. The vampire hunter met her gaze. “It"s going to be a tough road, but you can"t give up on yourself, Anwyn.”
Remember our faith when you can’t remember your own, cher .
Anwyn pressed her lips together. Perhaps the thing she hated most about the unstable vampire blood that Barnabus had inflicted upon her, as well as her transition, was that she could be turned into a dangerous, petulant child if thwarted. She hated not being able to stop her anger from surging forward into her mind, painting everything red. Though it was no fault of his own, Daegan had made it worse when he stepped back from her, leaving her cold against the tile, the water wet and unpleasant. When they"d both resisted her will, her mood had changed, becoming darker, uglier.
She"d wanted to taunt Gideon, ask him which he preferred; to let Daegan drink from him, or to fuck him. All she had to do was ask, and the answer would be there in his head. An answer she knew, even though he didn"t want anyone to know that answer, even himself. Daegan was wrong. She would have been worse than Barnabus if she did that. How often would she have to ask their forgiveness for such things?
“I think we both told you a long time ago, until you get a handle on all this, you don"t have to say you"re sorry.” Gideon came closer again, his jaw firm and resolute.
“Yes,” she said quietly, pushing aside her shame that he"d heard that thought and hoping he hadn"t heard all of it. “I do. Because it helps me remember how I should behave.” She realized it was another important role Daegan would play, because she would in fact capitulate to a chastisement from him, where she wouldn"t from Gideon. Balance of power and all that. God, their world had become a crazy place, but there was a logic to all of it, as Daegan had implied. It was ironic, because a Mistress was as likely as a vampire to exploit a submissive"s aversion to something, particularly if she thought it wasn"t revulsion but suppressed desire that turned them away from a certain path.
A part of her was still shaking from Daegan"s quick response, but her own wry humor chided her. You said you wanted him to show his emotions more often.
The vampire heard that, a surprised look crossing his devilishly handsome face, dispelling some of the shadows lingering between them. She was still concerned about him needing blood. Maybe he would go out soon. Of course, Daegan Rei had been taking care of himself for a long time. It was pointless of her to worry over him.
Lifting her hand, she touched Daegan"s forearm. Turning her hand over, she ran her knuckles up his arm, to the crook of the elbow. With her other hand, she reached out to Gideon. She noted he stayed a little behind her, using her as a buffer between them. When Daegan"s eyes met the hunter"s gaze, a faintly amused, taunting look in his expression, Gideon gave him his usual eat-shit-and-die look. The interaction between them helped steady her, made it much easier to regain her footing from these mini-episodes with the two of them working on her in a tag team.
“You haven"t said, but from your face, I know we need to go to the Council. They didn"t let me off on the validation requirement, did they?” At Daegan"s nod, she drew a breath. “Okay, then. So I guess we need to reassess. We know I can"t rely on my control as a sure thing. Not now, not a month from now. Maybe not ever.”
She was proud the words came out smooth, steady, because inside they felt quarried out of her lower gut with a jackhammer. It might have been easier to say she had terminal cancer. It bolstered her, the way the two of them drew closer, closing ranks. Not reassuring her with empty platitudes, but making it clear they stood with her.
“We know if I get stressed, it will override the injections. We should figure out a system, practice drills as if we"re expecting a fire at any time. That will help give me some confidence when we go to the Council. I can"t . . .” She stopped, shook her head. “Let"s move into the bedroom. I"d rather talk in there.”
She led the way, sliding onto Daegan"s bed, putting her back against the pillows and folding her legs under her. Letting Gideon keep her as a buffer, despite Daegan"s amusement, she tugged her servant to a sitting position on the edge of the bed next to her, one leg crooked up to balance himself, while Daegan took his own seat on the opposite side, forming a loose triangle.
“I need to say something, not because you don"t know it, can"t already see it, but because I need to show you that I understand. I want to take charge of this, as much as possible. Not because I"m a control freak, but because in order for me to go down this path, I"m going to have to be holding the reins, to know that even when I"m out of control, that what"s happening is what I"ve asked to have happen, as much as possible. All right?” Gideon nodded, and she received a flicker of acknowledgment from Daegan. “We know there are voices in my head I can"t control. We know I now have a vampire"s needs and cravings, and apparently the dominance that"s so strongly part of being a vampire has been amped up by those markers already existing in me.” She made a face at Gideon"s expression.
“Don"t make me slap you.”
The grin that crossed his features freed more of the tension in her gut.
“We have two weeks, cher,” Daegan put in. “We can practice, just as you say. Develop keywords, systems for how to react, test different ways of helping you keep control or manage stress. You have two minds at your disposal. You can use both of them to help your own.” He passed a hand over her hair, easing the shadow that crossed her heart. “And remember, Gideon does know how to reach across your mind to mine, when yours is open. I can teach you to protect that conduit for him, so he can use it even when your mind is conscious but out of control. That should work, even if he"s not in the same place as you are. He just has to be within a reasonable proximity to you.”