She closes the door softly, and I’m stunned. What just happened? She’s saying goodbye?
“No. No, Addison, this is not goodbye. Damn it.” I pace away, pushing my hands through my hair, then back again, hoping that I’m wrong, that she’s opened the door and has come to her senses, but it’s shut and dark.
Jesus.
I didn’t realize that it’s true what they say, that when your heart is truly broken you can feel the moment it cracks. Until just now.
I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding out, right here on Addie’s doorstep.
And that’s fucking dramatic. But I don’t care.
No.
Chapter Nineteen
Addison
I can’t stop the tears, and I can’t have him see them. I’m leaning on the door as I hear his footsteps walk away. I push off and begin pacing around my living room, crying.
Damn it, I’ve shed enough tears over Jake Keller! And this mascara is expensive.
Why can’t he just go? I think I’ve made it very clear that I can’t trust him enough to take him back, and I can’t keep doing this. I can’t have constant reminders of him, practically every damn day!
He didn’t come to me. He didn’t try to talk to me.
I wipe the tears off my cheeks, and then stop dead in my tracks.
“Jesus, Addie, you’re being such a fucking hypocrite.”
He came to me tonight.
He apologized, and told me that he’s missed me, and he wrote me that incredible song.
And all the while, I’ve been punishing him for the way other men in my past have treated me. And that’s what I’ve accused him of: punishing me for what happened in his past.
I’m a goddamn hypocrite.
Oh my God.
Yes, he was scared, and he made a rash decision. It’s not like I’ve never done that. Yeah, I’ve done that plenty.
He’s gone to great lengths to make it up to me, and I’ve acted like a spoiled, wounded bear, licking my wounds.
I grab my handbag and slip my bare feet into flip-flops. I have to follow him. I pray he’s still willing to talk.
Please let him be willing to talk.
I shut my door behind me and turn to lock the dead bolt. It’s difficult to see through the dark and my tears.
“God, it tears me up to see you cry.”
I whirl, startled, and breathe a sigh of relief when I see Jake leaning against the wall beside my door.
“You’re here,” I breathe.
“I was trying to figure out a way to get you to let me in.” That smile. Even in the dark I can see it spread across his face, and I can’t stand it anymore. I just walk right into his arms, rest my head on his chest, and begin to cry in earnest.
“I’m sorry, Jake.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry,” he whispers, his face pressed into my hair. His arms are so tight around me it almost hurts, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to ask him to let me go. His hands rub soothingly up and down my back, as though he can’t believe I’m in his arms. “God, you feel good.”
I tip my head back and cup his cheek in my hand. The stubble is rough, but what makes me gasp is the wetness I feel on his skin. “Don’t go away.”
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetness.”
He leans his forehead against mine. “Addie, I love you so much it hurts.”
Just when my tears were drying up, he goes and says that.
“I feel like I’ve loved you for a long time,” I admit softly. “I think that’s why I was so stubborn this week. I let myself fall in love with you, and when you hurt me, I knew that I’d never survive it if it happened again.”
“Ah, baby.” He plants his lips on my forehead and takes a long, deep breath. “Let’s go inside. I’d rather the neighbors weren’t privy to the entire conversation.”
I grin and nod. “Good idea.”
I lead him into my condo, to the couch, where he sits and tugs me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me again. “I thought I’d lost you forever,” he murmurs, his voice rough with unshed tears. “I don’t ever want to feel that way again, Addie.”
“Me too.” I drag my fingertips down his face, his neck, and back up into his hair. “You need to understand, Jake, that you could never ruin my life, as long as you’re in it. You bring a lot of good to people.”
He begins to interrupt, but I lay my finger over his lips, stopping him.
“You. Are. Wonderful. You’re surrounded by people who care about you very much. You’re not going to ruin my life, Jake.”
“I know that now,” he says quietly. “And I realize that it was pretty egotistical of me to think so.” He shrugs, embarrassed. “I just always linked my bad decisions to my loved ones hurting, and I didn’t want to chance ever doing that to you.”
“And running away from me is what hurt me. Ironic, huh?”
He shakes his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“I owe you an apology too. The first time you asked me to talk with you, I should have. But I have my own baggage, because you don’t get to be our age, have life experiences, and not have the baggage that goes with it.”
“I’d like to help you unpack,” he says, kissing my forehead.
“I’d like that too.” I bury my face in his neck, kiss his smooth skin, and take the first deep breath I’ve taken since before our fight at the restaurant. “Jake, there isn’t one person in this world that I want more than I want you.”
He stills, then rubs his hands up and down my back, to my waist, and then simply hugs me close. “Not even one?”