Chapter Twenty-two
Unfortunately, it turned out that a handful of moments of clear thinking didn't go that far in a too-long day of watching Smith and Tatiana roll around on a bed with each other.
Hour after hour, Valentina tried to fight back the insidious thoughts, each one of them more and more convincing as they whispered that everything Smith had felt for her when she was lying beneath him, he now would start feeling for her sister, too.
And how could she possibly discount the fact that he was an actor? One of the best she'd ever seen. Smith could convince any woman on earth that he had feelings for her. He wouldn't even have to try to have half the population falling at his feet and begging him not to leave them as they pathetically cried how much they loved him.
Even when he swore that he wasn't acting with her, that he never had...well, how could she possibly trust that?
Only a fool would trust a world-class actor.
A fool who was that desperate to be wanted. To be desired. But most of all, to be loved.
When, at long last, filming ended for the day, every muscle in Valentina's body hurt. She couldn't have faked a smile, couldn't have gotten up from her seat without toppling over, not when her limbs felt numb, lifeless.
As numb and lifeless as her heart.
From what seemed like a long distance, through a lens darkened on the edges with jealousy and self-disgust, she watched Smith make her sister laugh and the two of them hug each other before shrugging on their clothes. And as she watched them tease each other, it struck her just how perfect they were together, the ultimate beautiful couple, two actors who complemented each other both on screen and off.
Smith hadn't looked her way one single time during filming and she'd been glad. If he'd tried to connect with her while seducing her sister in front of her, it would have been the final straw.
It had been easier, better, to simply be forgotten.
At least, that's what she'd told herself over and over again as the pain from each kiss, each caress, dug another knife in so deep that she wasn't even capable of bleeding anymore.
Finally, Smith turned and when he looked at her, his frown came swift and deep. All she could do was stare as he came toward her, purpose in every step.
She had no idea what she'd say to him, not when every instinct screamed at her to hurt him the way he'd repeatedly hurt her today. Worse still, she wasn't strong enough to keep it inside out of fear of being heard by the crew. If he tried to speak to her here, if he tried to touch her, she'd explode.
Even knowing the additional pain it would bring in the future, the way people would talk about how she'd been foolish enough to believe Smith Sullivan could have wanted more from her than just a couple of rolls in the hay, she couldn't possibly have kept her emotions from bubbling up and over.
All this time she'd thought that if she kept him from getting too close, she'd be protected from the inevitable pain of losing him later. Only, every second that she watched him act the sex scene out with her sister made it more and more clear that not only had she not protected herself from anything at all...but also that she had no idea how to let him go.
Because he'd already gotten past every single one of the barriers she'd tried to erect.
The closer he got, the louder the blood rushed in her ears. This was it, the end to a beginning that should never have happened. And, really, it was for the best, wasn't it? Not only was he so far out of her league it wasn't even funny, but how could she possibly withstand a lifetime of scenes like this, where he was kissing and touching beautiful women on other sets?
Ice settled in over the flames that had been burning her up from the inside out as she prepared herself to cut every single emotional tie to the only man who had ever found his way past the walls around her heart.
"Uncle Smith!" Summer, his eight-year-old niece-to-be, barreled into his midsection. "I wanted to come on set earlier, but they said I couldn't because you were filming inappropriate stuff. No one will tell me what it was you were doing. But you will, right?"
The air she hadn't realized she'd been holding in burst from Valentina's lungs, leaving her feeling so dizzy she had to put both hands on the arms of her chair.
"Val?" Her sister was suddenly there in front of her with a cup of cold water. "You don't look good."
Valentina drank from the plastic cup as if she'd spent a week in the desert.
"You look like you need to lie down." With a strong arm around her waist, Tatiana had her up off the chair and heading toward her own trailer as the sun set.
As Tatiana got her settled on the leather couch with a blanket tucked over her, it was the first time Valentina could remember her sister taking care of her, rather than the other way around. Sure, she'd had the flu or a cold a couple of times over the years, but even then she'd made sure not to be a burden when her sister had to hold focus on whatever job she was currently working.
Tatiana sat next to her, her beautiful blue eyes full of concern. "You haven't been sleeping well, have you?"
Oh God, how could she admit that she'd finally had a good night's sleep, but only because Smith was there with her?
But she was already lying to her sister by her omissions, so rather than add to those lies, she simply shook her head. "Last night was good, but the past few weeks, no, I haven't."
How badly had she wanted to stay in his arms this morning? More than she'd ever wanted anything before.
Knowing she was blowing it on a day when she should have been there a hundred and ten percent for her sister, she somehow focused enough on Tatiana's wellbeing to ask, "How are you feeling? I know today was hard on you."
"I feel fine," her sister said in a soft voice, one with a note of something that had Valentina's senses coming back to life from where they had been beaten into submission by pure, unfettered jealousy. "You're the one I'm worried about, Val."
Valentina tried to smile, tried to raise a hand to brush off her sister's concerns. But her lips wouldn't curve in the right direction. And when she lifted her hand, she saw dozens of little crescent-moon cuts from holding her hands so tightly fisted all day long.
Tatiana took her hand and gasped. "Oh Val, I was so wrapped up in myself today, that it never even occurred to me to think of what watching the scene would do to you." Her sister lifted deeply concerned eyes to hers as she curled her hands around Valentina's. "Smith is great, but he's like a brother to me. Everything you saw between us today was acting and nothing more than that, I swear."
Valentina felt her mouth opening, then closing on words she didn't know how to say. All she could do was shake her head and try to deny the emotions that had grown deeper with every passing second she spent with Smith.
"I can't - " She tried again. "He shouldn't - "
But when Tatiana squeezed her hands and smiled so gently at her, she knew there was no point in even trying. Less so when her sister softly said, "I know how you feel about him." When Valentina's eyes widened in surprise, Tatiana said, "You haven't told me, but I'm your sister and I know you better than anyone else. You've never looked at a man the way you look at him."
Even knowing how useless the knee-jerk reaction was, weeks of telling herself lies had Valentina saying, "Everyone looks at him like that."
"No. They all look at him with stars in their eyes. They all want him for the fantasy, for the star, for everything but the man he really is. You've never seen anything but the man, Val."
Oh God, it was true. And even worse than having to face it was the fact that she hadn't managed to hide even the smallest of her feelings from her sister. Who else had seen it? More to the point, who could possibly have missed it?
Suddenly, all of her excuses were gone. All she had left was a single admission. "I tried not to. I'm still trying."
"But Val," her sister said in an urgent voice, "can't you see that he looks at you the same way? Half the time when we're supposed to be working on figuring out a scene, if you're in the room he's busy mooning over you."
"Don't be crazy. This movie means everything to him."
"It means a great deal to him," her sister agreed, "but not even close to everything."
One of the tears Valentina had been working so hard to hold back all day finally slid down her cheek and as she wiped it away, she said, "All these years I've warned you against falling for one of your co-stars and here I'm the one who did it. I'm sorry for completely falling apart like this."
Tatiana made a sound that was part frustration, part resolve. "I'm not ten years old anymore. You have always been there for me, but don't you see, I want to be there for you, too?"
For the second time in one day, Valentina was struck by their role reversal. All these years she'd spent taking care of her sister, had she ever let Tatiana take care of her? She could suddenly see herself in Smith's trailer that first day on set. "Your sister is incredibly lucky to have you to protect her. But who's protecting you?"She'd told herself she'd accepted the fact that her sister had grown up, that she was old enough to drink, that she could film a sex scene. And yet, had she really wanted to treat Tatiana like an adult? Had she ever thought she could burden her sister with her own fears, her own pain?
And if not, why had she been so afraid to let Tatiana be one half of their support team?
Knowing she had so much ground to make up, Valentina struggled to admit, "I don't know what I'm doing. I should stay away from him, but I can't."
Tatiana's frown deepened. "Why do you need to stay away from him?"
It was so painfully obvious to Valentina, she couldn't believe she had to actually say the words aloud. "He's one of the biggest movie stars in the world. I'm me. A relationship with him could never go anywhere."
"Are you kidding? You two are beautiful together."
Panic knocked through her. "You've seen us?"
"No one else has," her sister quickly assured her, "but I've spent more time with the two of you than everyone else. He's always touching you when he thinks I'm not looking." Tatiana's eyes lit up with mischief. "And then there was that time I walked in on you guys kissing."
Heat flamed on Valentina's cheeks. "When?"
Tatiana grinned. "That night you were in the screening room, I realized I'd left my marked-up script. The door was open so I walked in without knocking." She fanned herself. "All I can say is, wow. I was seriously impressed. With both of you." Tatiana leaned in closer and lowered her voice as she grinned. "On the chair, huh?"
Frantically working to stuff away the huge wave of embarrassment rolling over her at the thought of her baby sister witnessing her completely losing control in Smith's arms, Valentina asked, "Why didn't you say anything?"
Hurt briefly flashed in Tatiana's eyes. "I could tell you were feeling a little weird about it, so I was waiting for you to tell me."
"I'm sorry I didn't confide in you," Valentina said, and she truly was.
Why hadn't she talked to her sister? Especially since she'd been so tormented by emotions and feelings she didn't understand. She'd tried to tell herself that it was because she didn't want to accidentally derail the success of the movie by putting her sister in the middle of what was going on with her and Tatiana's powerful co-star. But while there was certainly truth to that concern, the bigger truth was that she hadn't wanted to accept that her sister was all grown up...so she'd treated her like a child instead of the incredible woman she was.
Trying to explain, Valentina said, "I swear I didn't think there was going to be anything to tell, that once he got past the challenge, he'd lose interest." She was still waiting for that, and was more than a little confused about why it hadn't happened yet.
"He obviously hasn't lost interest, Val. He won't. How could he?" Tatiana looked at Valentina with all of the love the sisters had for each other. "You're amazing. Beautiful. Smart. Funny. And the best sister in the world. I know he sees all of that. And all of you."
She couldn't make up for the weeks of hiding her feelings from her sister, but she could change things by sharing them now. She took a deep - and shaky - breath and tried to put in words the emotions that had been knocking around inside her for the past few weeks.
"The thing is, sometimes I don't feel like myself around him." It was already a night of admissions, so she added one more. "And that scares me. Badly." Especially when she lost control, the way she had again and again from nothing more than a look, the brush of his fingertips over her skin, his mouth claiming hers.
"I don't understand," Tatiana said, and Valentina wasn't surprised to hear it. Her younger sister had very rarely been afraid. And if she had, she hadn't let fear get in her way. "Who do you think you are?"
Valentina opened her mouth to answer, starting with "I'm - " but nothing came out after that.
She was happy with her career, would likely have gone to business school regardless of whether she managed her sister's business affairs or not, and had really enjoyed working on her screenplay these past couple of years.
But "Who do you think you are?" was less about what she wanted to do for her job...and more about what kind of life she wanted to have as a woman.
For so many years she'd denied the emotional woman inside of herself, along with the sensual one. Sure, she'd had some fairly good sex with some perfectly nice men, and she hadn't completely tamped down on her emotions by any means, but at the same time, she'd kept everything in reserve just in case her sister needed her for any reason. Valentina's entire being had been wrapped up in Tatiana for so long, and she'd been so convinced she needed to avoid the pain her mother went through with all of her boyfriends, that somewhere along the way she'd lost sight of who she was.
And yet, despite all the things she'd held back for too long, her sister was perceptive enough not to miss a beat of her thoughts.
"I love you too much, Val, not to want the fairytale to come true for you." Tatiana smiled, her beautiful smile that had lit up screens all over the world. "What if you gave Smith a chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved? Don't you think there's a chance that he could be up to the challenge? And don't you think you could be up to whatever challenges come, too?"
Love?
Oh.
Oh my.
Even as Valentina had accepted the pulsing, unavoidable attraction between her and Smith, she'd been careful not to let herself dream of anything more than pleasure. No matter how sweet, how heartfelt, how gentle or loving he was every time he kissed her.
The whispered words, "But what if he isn't? And what if I'm not?" came out of her before she could pull them back.
She could feel Tatiana's blue eyes on her, still concerned and so full of love, as she said, "You know Jayden?"
Valentina tried not to show how surprised she was by the abrupt conversation shift. "Sure. He's really nice."
A flush appeared on her sister's cheeks. "I think so, too. In fact, I've kind of been waiting for him to ask me out for a couple of weeks."
The first thing that hit Valentina was how perfect Jayden was for her sister. He was quiet and focused, cute and young and sweet. He wasn't about the limelight, but because he worked on film sets, he'd have some idea of how to deal with Tatiana's life because he worked with stars all the time.
How had she missed the budding romance between her sister and the on-set techie? Here she'd claimed she would do anything to be a good sister, and yet she was even blowing that.
"The thing is," Tatiana told her, "I don't think he's ever going to ask me out."
Now it was Valentina's turn to say, "Why not?"
Her sister's gaze was so direct Valentina had to sit back deeper into the couch cushions. "Because he thinks I'm a big movie star and he's just him." She used her fingers to put quote marks around the words.
Looking at the situation from her sister's viewpoint, Valentina could see how frustrating it must be to be put on a pedestal. And yet, wasn't that exactly what she'd done with Smith, despite how many times he'd proved to her that he was just as human as the rest of them? But she'd been so busy trying to protect herself from a future she couldn't define or clearly see, that she'd used his fame as the perfect excuse to keep her distance.
Clearly, her suck-a-tology was at an all-time high.
Especially since flashes of her sister in Smith's arms kept coming at her and nailing her flat, despite everything that they'd just said to each other.
This time she was the one squeezing her sister's hands and saying, "Where are you going to go with Jayden when he says yes?"
"I'm going to take him to a restaurant with a romantic table for two." Her sister licked her lips. "And then I'm going to seduce him."
If Valentina had been trying to convince herself that Tatiana was still just a girl, she knew now that it was time to give up. Her sister was a woman, with a woman's needs. And a woman's heart, one that longed for love, yet was smart enough to know how to reach out and grab it when it was within reach.
Valentina put her arms around her. "I love you, T."
"I love you, too," Tatiana said and when a knock sounded on the door a second later, she added, "Enough to tell you I think you should give Smith a chance. A real one, this time, so that he can show you exactly what he's made of. And so you can show him what you're made of, too."
Tatiana didn't wait for Valentina to respond before hopping off the couch and opening the trailer door for Smith. "She's inside," Tatiana said, and then in a lower voice that Valentina couldn't hear she told him, "If you hurt her, I'll hurt you," before leaving the two of them alone.