Because I’m an ass.
Because I’m too afraid to hold on to her.
Because I could never offer her what she truly needs and that’s a failure I can’t handle.
Instead Kate pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly. She kissed him on the head and told him gently, “It’s just time for me to move on. It has nothing to do with you, little man.”
Then I’ll never forget as long as I live what he asked Kate next. Looking at her with solemn eyes, he asked, “Are you going away like my mom?”
Kate valiantly choked back a sob and in a tremulous voice told him, “Of course not, silly. I’m going to be just a phone call away from you, and I’m sure your daddy will let me visit you when I can come back.”
Ben turned his tear-streaked face to me and asked, “Kate can come and visit?”
My throat tightened and I had to give a little cough to clear it, but I told him, “Sure thing, buddy. Anytime she wants.”
My door would always be open to Kate.
I left them alone after that and hung out in my office the rest of the morning until I heard a car pull into the driveway. I pulled the curtain back and peeked out the window just in time to see Kate’s father getting out of a beat-up old pickup truck and Kate flying into his arms. He hugged her hard, twirled her around twice, and kissed her on the head. When he tried to pull back, she grabbed on to him tighter and wouldn’t let him go.
Dropping the curtain, I turned away from the bittersweet reunion because it just made what was about to happen that much more inevitable.
I went out of my office and dutifully met Robert Francis, Kate’s namesake. He shook my hand and gave me a polite nod. His lack of enthusiasm over meeting a Carolina Cold Fury hockey player, especially when I know he’s a huge fan, let me know right then and there that Kate had told him something about what happened between us. The fact that he didn’t punch me told me she didn’t say much to him, just enough to muddy his opinion of me.
It was with utter helplessness that I stood on my front porch and watched her father carry her suitcase and the two boxes she had out to the truck, while Kate squatted down in front of Ben and talked to him quietly.
Robert started the truck and waited for Kate to make her goodbyes. She grabbed ahold of Ben and pulled him into a tight hug. When she released him, she surreptitiously wiped the tears from her eyes, stepped up to me, and from her tiptoes kissed me on my cheek. It took all of my willpower not to grab her and drag her back into the house with me. Tie her up to my bed and tell her tough shit, she was staying.
She stepped back, gave me a smile, and said, “Take care, Hell on Skates.”
Without waiting for a response from me, she turned away and jogged to her father’s truck. She never looked back at me again, but after he pulled out of the driveway, I saw her look at Ben and give him a final wave.
The pain that slammed into my chest was so staggering, I dropped to my knees. I did it under the guise of needing to hug Ben in support, but I was actually the one who needed it. Then I pulled him into my arms, picked him up, and carried him back in the house.
Kate was gone and my life officially sucked worse than ever before, and it all boiled down to the fact I was too fearful to do anything about it.
“Kate…hey, it’s Ryker,” he says into the phone, dragging me out of my morbid memories.
I watch him intently, trying to read every nuance of emotion on his face, since I can’t hear her end of the conversation.
“So how are you doing?” he asks her, and then there is a long pause while he listens. He nods in understanding and then starts laughing. “Now, that doesn’t surprise me.”
What doesn’t surprise him? Is she dating someone? Has she found another job? Did she just tell him that she hates me with a fiery passion?
“So listen…my ex-wife wants me to take full custody of my two little girls and I’m going to need a nanny. I was wondering if you’re interested in the job.”
Ryker pauses and listens to Kate. He listens for a long time. I pick up my beer and take a sip, trying to suppress my smile, because I know very well what’s happening right now. She’s on the other end of the line babbling. It’s what she does best and I fucking miss it so bad.
“Okay, why don’t you think about it and let me know in a few days,” Ryker says once she runs out of steam.
I’m completely surprised that she didn’t accept immediately. I know she needs a job, and Ryker would pay her damn good money. Worry courses through me as I wonder if she’s abandoned her idea of returning to school.
“He’s doing okay,” Ryker says into the phone, his eyes pinning me. “He’s standing right here…do you want to talk to him?”
Adrenaline rushes through me as I realize all at once that Kate has asked how I’m doing and that potentially in a matter of a few seconds I could be talking to her. My hands immediately start sweating and my heartbeat goes into overdrive. What would I even say to her?
I miss you.
Please come back.
I’ll do anything to make you come back.
Unfortunately, Ryker smiles at me sadly with a small shake of his head and says into the phone, “Sure, honey…I understand. Just call me once you make your decision.”
Fuck.
She doesn’t want to talk to me.
Ryker hangs up and gives me a commiserating look. “I’m sorry, man.”
Putting a brave face on, I shrug and take a long swallow of beer. “No worries. I’m not surprised.”