But I am totally hurt and dismayed that I probably killed any care and affection she once had for me.
“She said she’s going to think about it,” Ryker says as he places his phone on the bar.
“What’s to think about?” I muse out loud. “It’s a great opportunity for her.”
“I don’t know. She sounded very unsure.”
Christ. I hope to God I have not fucked with Kate’s head so much that it’s causing her to abandon her goals. I hope to God that the strong, opinionated, and goal-oriented woman that I’ve come to know is still on her A-game when it comes to her future career. If I fucked that up for her, I’ll never forgive myself.
I drain the rest of my beer and Ryker starts to flag the bartender for another.
“Not staying, man,” I tell him as I pull some money out of my pocket and throw it on the bar.
“Come on, dude,” Ryker implores. “The last thing you need to do is go home and sulk.”
“Sorry, bud,” I tell him with a sympathetic look. “Just not in the mood to do anything else but.”
He slaps me on my back and I turn around to head out of the bar. I really should take the opportunity to stay out tonight and get shit-faced drunk. Michelle is having Ben stay the night with her and Beau, and I have no obligations otherwise.
Unfortunately, I’m going to do tonight what I do most nights. I’m going to castigate myself over what I did to Kate. Then I’m going to obsess over why I couldn’t give Gina what she wanted. After that, I’ll try to determine why I feel something for Kate that I never felt with Gina.
And finally, I’m going to absolutely refuse to believe that I could give Kate what she deserves, because even though she’s different—what I feel is different—I have no right to put her at risk for further hurt and disappointment. I’ve already done it once and I won’t do it again, no matter how much it kills me not to be with her.
Chapter 30
Kate
I hold my hand over my heart, look down in disbelief, and exclaim, “Oh. My. Word. You two actually ate all of your dinner.”
Both girls grin at me from the kitchen table. Dark hair, gray eyes…they are both miniature versions of Ryker. Violet, who is the more quiet of the two, sticks a finger in her mouth, gives me a coy smile, and swings her legs back and forth. Ruby, however, is not quiet and bangs her fork on the table. “You said we could have a cookie.”I laugh and pick up their empty plates. “That I did.”
I turn to Ryker, who sits there watching the dramatics unfold and hands his plate to me with a smile. “Thanks, Kate. That was delicious.”
After dumping the plates in the sink, I grab three chocolate-chip cookies I had made yesterday from a plastic container and hand them out with a flourish to Ryker, Violet, and Ruby. “Enjoy, my fine peeps.”
Yeah…this job turned out to be pretty spectacular. I was stunned to hear from Ryker last week, and even more so when he offered to let me talk to Zack, who was apparently there with him. I freaked—just slightly—and totally rejected the idea. I didn’t have it in me to hear his voice. As much as I craved it, it would just hurt too much.
I told Ryker I would think about it. It took me about ten minutes after I hung up the phone to realize I would accept. How could I not? I needed the money if I wanted to start school in the fall. While it had been very easy for me to drop into a major funk when I returned home with my daddy, I still was very much focused on achieving my goals. It’s just that after quitting my job as Ben’s nanny, I became a little lost.
But I’m back. I called Ryker the next morning, accepted, and Daddy hauled my butt back to Raleigh, where I immediately started as nanny to my new precious wards, Violet and Ruby.
Big, big differences between girls and boys.
Honestly, the girls are more high-maintenance and require a different sort of tact. I figured that out early.
But they’re a hell of a lot of fun, and my favorite part of the day is getting them dressed and putting their hair in pretty styles. They’re like big dolls, and since I never had dolls to play with growing up, I was making up for some lost time.
There is a downside, though, to this new job.
It makes me miss Ben terribly…being here in Raleigh and watching two new children. I feel like crap because I abandoned him.
Ryker told me that Zack had not hired anyone else, not really needing to during the summer break. I guess the same holds true for Ryker, but he actually wanted me to start right away because, as much as he loved his girls, much of their care had fallen to his wife, and he was a little intimidated by the prospect. But everything I’ve seen so far shows him to be a fantastic father to them. He was just a little rusty on some things, and he’s a terrible hair braider, so he’s not allowed to do that anymore.
“Are you cool about tonight?” Ryker asks as he finishes up his cookie while I’m loading the dishwasher.
“Of course,” I tell him, even though my heart starts to trip madly over the reminder. “Besides…this is your house. You’re allowed to have whomever you want here.”
“I know,” he agrees. “It’s just…I know it will be weird.”
“Yes, it will,” I tell him with a smile. “But I’ll be the consummate professional, and besides that, I’m going to hide upstairs playing with the kids.”
Ryker snorts and stands up from the table. “Want any help with the dishes?”