Jude the Obsure - Page 184/318

"He's a good fellow, isn't he!" she said with latent tears. On

reconsideration she added, "He was very resigned to letting me

go--too resigned almost! I never was so near being in love with him

as when he made such thoughtful arrangements for my being comfortable

on my journey, and offering to provide money. Yet I was not. If I

loved him ever so little as a wife, I'd go back to him even now."

"But you don't, do you?"

"It is true--oh so terribly true!--I don't."

"Nor me neither, I half-fear!" he said pettishly. "Nor anybody

perhaps! Sue, sometimes, when I am vexed with you, I think you are

incapable of real love."

"That's not good and loyal of you!" she said, and drawing away from

him as far as she could, looked severely out into the darkness. She

added in hurt tones, without turning round: "My liking for you is

not as some women's perhaps. But it is a delight in being with you,

of a supremely delicate kind, and I don't want to go further and risk

it by--an attempt to intensify it! I quite realized that, as woman

with man, it was a risk to come. But, as me with you, I resolved to

trust you to set my wishes above your gratification. Don't discuss

it further, dear Jude!"

"Of course, if it would make you reproach yourself... but you do

like me very much, Sue? Say you do! Say that you do a quarter, a

tenth, as much as I do you, and I'll be content!"

"I've let you kiss me, and that tells enough."

"Just once or so!"

"Well--don't be a greedy boy."

He leant back, and did not look at her for a long time. That

episode in her past history of which she had told him--of the poor

Christminster graduate whom she had handled thus, returned to Jude's

mind; and he saw himself as a possible second in such a torturing

destiny.

"This is a queer elopement!" he murmured. "Perhaps you are making

a cat's paw of me with Phillotson all this time. Upon my word it

almost seems so--to see you sitting up there so prim!"

"Now you mustn't be angry--I won't let you!" she coaxed, turning and

moving nearer to him. "You did kiss me just now, you know; and I

didn't dislike you to, I own it, Jude. Only I don't want to let you

do it again, just yet--considering how we are circumstanced, don't

you see!"